Wednesday, December 1, 2021

What to do with a Bosc E15 Situation (Day 336)

Today, it happened.

Our dishwasher began making a terrifying "SHHHHHHHHHH CAAA SHHHHHH CAAAA SHHHHHH" noise (very reminiscent of Darth Vader). I did not notice the noise at first, because of all the screaming and arguing of my children (they were fighting over one single gray Ugg slip-on shoe). Then the pets were meowing and barking for a variety of things. Then my mother had to tell me a story from her childhood involving clogs and something vaguely Danish (my mom inspired the character of Rose Nylund on the Golden Girls). And then, of course, I had some calls. 

Anyway, the point is, it took me a while to hear Darth Vader trying to tell me that my dishwasher was malfunctioning.  When I finally heard the "SHHHHHHHHHH CAAA SHHHHHH CAAAA SHHHHHH" noise, it was well after lunch. I looked at the display, ignored the urgent messages and jammed my finger against the buttons. The noise continued. Then I read the display:

"Watertap Aquaspot E15"

My first thought was:WHAT IN THE FANNY IS THIS RIDICULOUS LANGUAGE

My second thought was: TORCH THE HOUSE

My third thought was: THAT WAS A DRAMATIC THOUGHT. INSTEAD OF TORCHING THE HOUSE LEAN INTO YOUR APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL SKILLS AND KICK SOME WATERTAP AQUASPOT E15" ASS! 

Not that I have time to manage yet another apocalypse, but what choice did I have? At least this pandemic has given me new practical life skills that I could translate into dealing with my Bosc E15 situation, otherwise known as my dishwasher is busted. 

Here's what to do when your dishwasher stops working:

1. Panic

I know everyone will advise against panicking. But, when you don't initially panic in the face of a privileged person problem, you are just delaying and repressing your emotions. Panic, immediately, so that you don't panic when you are forced to interaction with a "Sam" from Customer Service. "Sam" is not a therapist and is not trained to deal with your crap. Panic upon discovery of the E15 situation and do it in the privacy of your own home without witness. 

2. Google the situation; but avoid the manufacturer's website. 

What does the manufacturer know about this own manufactured product anyway? Diddly! The internet knows everything. Google your situation, avoid the brand website and instead to turn to such trusted dishwasher resources as "CNN Lifestyle," "Fox News Light," "The Omaha Garden Club," "IFixedItRite." "Gramarly," "Elephant Journal," and, of course, "Yoke."  for information on the situation. If none of these trusted sources actually cover appliance repair, just distract yourself with recipes or news about COVID variants or poorly written personal narratives. 

3. Do not text anyone. 

Resist the urge to tell your spouse or your friends or your plumber about the situation. Telling real life people, will only make the situation real. You can, however, turn to one of your 17 Peloton Groups. No one will really see your post or offer support, but you can feel like you've vomited out your gossip and still not have to accept the realness of your new life without a dishwasher. 

4. Immediately go out for supplies!

Before the pandemic was the pandemic, I preemptively panicked and went to Walmart and purchased all the masks, hand sanitizer, Lysol, Clorox, Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, EasyMac, Ramen and Pepperidge Farm Original Gold Fish that I could fit in my cart. My children were horrified. But one month later, they were happily wiping themselves in 10 squares of toilet paper at a time without a care in the world. Anyway, it is important to be prepared! So with the breaking of the dishwasher, I immediately purchased paper plates, paper bowls, plastic forks, dish soap and, of course, lotion for my dishpan hands!

5. Make a plan with your family. 

Remember making a fire escape plan with your family? Well, when the dishwasher is broken and E15 is FLASHING and making that noise, you've got to make a plan. Our plan includes: panicking, eating out, panicking, arguing and washing dishes poorly. 

6. Take a Nap.

Steps 1-5 are exhausting, so take a nap! I napped in my car (sunglasses on, you cannot risk being caught napping in public). You can nap anywhere you want. You can even nap with your dishwasher, since it is basically asleep (forever. like the dead.).

7. CALL A PROFESSIONAL

Obviously after you've completed the above steps, you should contact a professional. After my talk with "Sam," mentioned above, I scheduled a service visit (for a week from now, we WILL FALL APART!). Then I remembered that I happen to be married to a mechanical engineer who used to design dishwashers and now designs bigger, more mechanical things like giant warehouses. 

PS According to Bosc, you should also unplug it and turn off the water! 





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