It would be better to just let nature take its course, frankly*
I did seek medical care this week because after flying last week to the very exciting, newly-named Gulf of America**, my productive, non-bloody cough began creeping up towards my sinuses and into my ears, causing me to lose at least 53% of my hearing.*** The strange thing is that this hearing loss seems to have increased my ability to hear things being said faraway. Like if you are in the far corner of the room saying bad things about me or admitting to a crime you committed, I'll be able to hear you! But if you are standing right next to me, I have to read your lips.
I am not very good at reading lips. As a result, I may have been promoted, given a major award, told my car was on fire, or asked to borrow a pen. I have no idea. I am literally flying by the seat of my pants here.
The virtual urgent care doctor gave me antibitoics (which make my stomach hurt) and nasal spray (which acts like some sort of sedative and makes me fall asleep for 15 minutes for every four squirts). She also gave me severe clinical emotional irritation, as she shamed me for my myriad of pre-existing conditions and chronic illnesses. Which is ridiculous, because without my issues she would go out of business! I am also keeping Target and Nordstrom open with my chronic shopping--and they never complain!
The medicine is working, I think, although the fluid continues to move around in my head, circulating through my ears and those tiny little, fancily named eustachian tubes. It's like my ears, nose, and throat are a lazy river of phelgm. I am sure it will all be fine, just like everything will be fine in the world.
Right? It's all fine. I mean. maybe? Really I have no idea what's fine and what isn't anymore! And that uncertainty has been ravaging my days, as the phelgm ravages my sinuses.
Lately, I've been unable to write--this is the first, slightly rational thing I've written since forever. I cannot stop randomly ranting about something. I cannot focus. I cannot even fully express my opinions. And this last part is an issue because I am in my very last regular class at Hopkins and it is all about science writing for change. I've changed my topic at least one million times and now I think I want to change it yet again. The world is changing--daily--and as a result my opinions change daily. I am unable to stand firm in my thinking. My balance is off, and maybe its the fluid in my ears, or maybe it is because the world is also not standing firm.
I don't think any of my work as a science writer will be the same as it was before. I don't know if I will continue to have my part time contracting work at the CDC--a dream gig I landed last August. I mourn that--it is something I worked so hard for and dreamed of--and it stinks it could be gone. Don't even get me started on my colleagues there--who unlike me work full time sharing public health communications and research. I mourn for them, too. At least I have my (very expensive!) eggs in other baskets. But those baskets feel like they are changing as well.
Childhood cancer research funding is always lacking and I have strong opinions on this. I am not sure if I can express them freely without ruffling feathers or stepping out of my position. I was so sure I was ready to share my brother's vaccination story, but then I don't know if I can. What if I am labeled an anti-vax hero (which is not remotely accurate) or treated as a leper in the science community? Will I do more harm than good? I don't know if I am smart enough or science-y enough to write about science. I don't know if I am the right person to advocate for inclusion in sports or to share my thoughts on anything. I tell all these great stories and no one wants to pay me for them. And all of this makes me really angry and itchy and shifty and off-kilter.
And that's the thing: I am so off-balance that I've lost my place. It's like I now have a "chronic, non-productive, potentially-bloody lack of direction as a writer and human being." I am not sure where to go and I think oddly, I might need to shout fuck it all and fall completely off the log that I am poorly balancing on to find my place again.
Until then, I'll be coughing, complaining to strangers, and trying to blow out my eustachian tubes.
If you see me, feel free to give me a push (just not off a boat or cliff).****
*I am not a medical doctor and this is not medical advice!
**It was very windy!
***An estimate
**** or high wire or ledge or curb or couch. Maybe just like give me a hug?
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