It seems like a year. On Monday, I promised that this week's edition of all my complaints and whines would be really good. I lost steam somewhere between being summoned to truancy court and dealing with accusations that yoga is devil worship.
I am a very busy person, apparently.
I know your curiosity has been piqued. . .I mean who wouldn't be on the edge of their seat when they hear whispers of legal drama and satanic worship!
Without further complaint, here's the weekly whine and the list of things that make me irate:
1. Weekend Mail
On Saturday, the U.S. Postal Service still insists on delivering mail. Maybe you think this is amazing--maybe you get big fat checks in the mail or announcements that some great great great uncle you never knew is dead and left you his fortune or you have a secret admirer who sends you heartfelt greeting cards that are not filled with glitter.
You know what I got: a court summons. For truancy. A nonsense, mixed-up, ludicrous summons.
You know what else I got: agitated. I remained agitated all weekend long, until Monday, when I could storm into the school and fix the problem.
You know what the officials at the school got: 400 agitated emails with exclamation points and random words capitalized for emphasis.
I will be sending my letter of thanks to U.S. Postal Service--perhaps they will get it on a weekend and get that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you open a card with a cute cat reminding you to "Hang in There."
2. The word: PLEASE
I do recognize that is important to teach our children how to communicate and speak and even use polite words (obviously). BUT, I hate the word "Please." It is not the "Magic Word," unless you consider whining, manipulation, screaming and yelling to be magical.
My 8 year old uses the word "PLEASE," to express her disgust at my intervention into her social life, as in "PUH-LEASE MOTHER."
My 6 year old uses the word "PLEASE," while whining for more glitter hair spray and smacking my leg for attention, while. .
My 2 year old is screaming "PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" while rigid on the floor and squeezing $500 organic yogurt all over his last clean pair of pants.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE come up with a new word. Anything other than PLEASE.
3. Captain Obvious
This week, I've spotted Captain Obvious everywhere I go! Captain Obvious is very busy and very irritating. He is also a she and she is also a he. Captain Obvious knows no bounds--man, woman, child, all nationalities and creeds and races. Captain Obvious is infinity times infinity and he/she/it loves to tell me such INSIGHTFUL gems like:
+Your son does not have shoes on and it is cold.
+Your son does not have pants on and it is 20 degrees.
+Your son has a runny nose and it is February.
+Your son is wearing a bathing suit and it is snowing.
Notice a pattern? Captain OBVIOUS is OBVIOUSLY obsessed with my son and the weather. I want a restraining order! I also wonder if Captain Obvious has a pal named Admiral Stupid Head or Duke Von Shut Up?
4. Pat Robertson's Yoga Classes
Just watch this and please do not ever go to Pat Robertson's Yoga Classes. I hear there is lots of crazy GIBBERISH in CRAZY LANGUAGES to the DEITY of ignorance and stupidity. Although, you do get to stretch up and stretch down. Is that kewl?
Well, I am off to check the mail, maybe Thursday is the day I get that big fat check from the Hindu deity named Captain Obvious I am always saying PLEASE to in my secret language of gibberish.
P.S. In case you haven't figured it out, there is no free wine coupon. I am just experimenting if negativity combined with free coupon offers drives blog traffic. I know, I know, I am a total tease. I am also probably breaking some law (just send me a summons! I will add to the stack!) I guess if you want a free wine coupon, you can bring me a competitor's coupon and I will match it, like Walmart. Also like Walmart, it will be arduous, hardly worth your effort and you will have to wait in line with people in their pajamas, in public. Totally up to you!
Hahahhahahah negativity combined with free coupons to boost traffic! Best fucking line ever!!!!!ReplyDelete
I am also experimenting with SEO #FreeWineCouponDelete
I am so dropping you off a bottle of wine in my Pj's!! :)ReplyDelete
If you are dropping off wine, you get an express pass and don't have to wait in line with the people of Walmart.Delete
HEY! I want my free coupon! This was false advertising and now you owe me a coupon for free wine! How dare you!ReplyDelete
Can I tell you I despise mail on Saturdays. It's like they save all the crappy mail for that day all the time.
hahahahaha. I probably need to disclose something,right? Assholes on Saturdays with their mail. I MEAN, really?Delete