I think it is very 1980s to die being pushed down your stairs! And this is exactly what nearly happened to me! I WAS PUSHED. ON THE STAIRS! IN A DOWNWARD DIRECTION!
Sorry for the all caps, but I am still reeling and I keep checking if I have a pulse. I am wearing an Apple watch, but I don’t really trust it because it often asks me if I’ve finished my workout while I am still actually working out and clearly in duress with sweat dripping in my eyes and wheezy death rattle like noises coming out of my mouth.
Technology won’t take over anytime soon at this rate!
Anyway, back to my near 1980s death. I was walking up the stairs, while my delightful, sometimes (never) well behaved puppy Primmie Pie came barreling down and then paused to jump up on my chest! For a nano-second, I was off-balance, picturing myself laying at the bottom of the stairs in a salmon pink chiffon gown with long sleeves and a sash and chiffon covered buttons up the back, dead. My hair looked good, though.
In my vision, my puppy killed me. Can you imagine? Clearly I can!
Lucky for me, I was wearing a Temple Football sweatshirt (Go Owls!) and leggings, and I am a former yoga teacher so I can always find my balance. By always, I mean sometimes.
After surviving and checking my pulse and getting angry at Apple and the robots, I began thinking about how fragile life is and how many times this week I’ve nearly died. Here’s my near-death list:
1. Inhaling a moon drop grape while trying to eat and unpack groceries on Monday!
These grapes are very long and adult choking hazards. They need to be eaten while sitting down or you will die. I had a vision of running across the street to my friend Molly, who was on the porch at the time talking very loudly on the phone about important things, and silent screaming, while grabbing my neck. She would save me (because Molly always saves me!) and then tell everyone the story of her phone call and my superior pantomime skills. Of course, none of this happened. I chewed the grape and swallowed and did not aspirate, living another day to face near-death, again.
2. In the stands at baseball on Monday night!
I was sitting in the opponent’s stands because those parental fans are the only people who like me in town. There were several foul balls that came sort of in my direction. I thought of Molly ,again, because while I could not see her, I know she was there because her son is on my son’s team. (She was not sitting with me because I assume I am a lot). Anyway, after each of these death balls catapulted in the air and ricocheted on the roof of the toilets, I kept envisioning myself slumped over in the stands and the townsfolk gathered around my laptop where I keep all my screenshots of the things they’ve written! In the end, my family was shunned and they gave my Mother jeans away on the Buy Nothing Page. Luckily, the balls never came that close and I lived another day to wear my Mother jeans and to love my family, etc.
3. Tuesday, on a phone call!
I was on a long call in which everyone was speaking over one another and saying the same things in different ways. In my distress, I almost fell out of the window. Our floors are slanted because our house is old and eventually, will fall into the sea, thanks to global warming and climate change (which is real, fyi). I was frustrated by the parallel conversations and shoved my chair away from my desk, rolling towards the back right and towards the window, which had it been open and had my puppy Primmie Pie been in the room and jumped on my chest, would have led to my death. Of course, Molly would have seen my death, because she lives across the street and it would have been recorded on her Ring.
But I lived, only to nearly die on the stairs! So I guess that’s good, but I wonder, what’s next? I am going to keep a look out for second floor piano deliveries and furniture poorly tied to the roof of the car.
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