Since I fell off the daily writing wagon (and several other wagons) in 2023, most of you do not know of my Golden Bachelor obsession. I spent a large chunk of Q4 obsessed with Gary and his ladies. My obsession really took hold when we were in Vermont for a very long weekend during stick season and I had time to really digest the absolute magic of a show about the elderly finding love while wearing nice clothes and participating in extreme sports.
Full disclosure: I am not part of Bachelor Nation. I don’t even understand what that means. I am barely a part of this nation (although I’ve have been known to become suddenly patriotic and pledge allegiance in my garage.).
The public narrative around the Golden Bachelor has been one of hope—hope for love and life partners and second chances. I have not watched the show for the hope. I’ve watched the show because I miss the Golden Girls and I enjoy old people drama. It’s like when I was a young teen watching Melrose Place—I want to see what amazing scandals and drama and costuming and fancy meals could be in my future. When I watch the Golden Bachelor, I get a window into what I can expect for my future: What sort of gowns could I wear when I am 70? Will I still enjoy prosecco and bourbon? What about my teeth? And my hair? I worry about my hair, the most, frankly.
Watching shows with people older than yourself is like an educational program. And at 46 years old, there are not a lot of shows with fancy, fun old people. The Golden Girls is on constantly on the Hallmark Channel; but I don’t know if I want to eat Cheesecake and wear 1980s pantsuits! On the Golden Bachelor, we got to see the modern old in modern clothing, doing modern things (like dancing to Lil Boo Thang) and participating in flash mobs (no thank you to this last item). We also got to them see putting in hearing aides and discussing sex and gas and grandparenting and working.
Like, being old doesn’t seem so scary anymore, you know? Almost everyone, except Leslie (get a blow dryer and some spray or something!), had pretty legit old lady hair.
I should also note that any bachelor over the age of 70 reminds me of my favorite Uncle Don. Don was born to be a silver fox and I loved to chat with him for hours about his conquests. I know his antics drove my cousins crazy, but I could listen to his shameless stories for an eternity. Don is dead; but I am sure some of the women he charmed live on (and I bet had great hair!).
When I watched Gary and Theresa tie the knot last night (and my husband thought he could fast forward through several parts!! He was MISTAKEN), the Golden Bachelor delivered on so much drama and confusion. I kept shouting “WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?” “IS THAT ENGLISH?” “WHO IS THAT?” (I think their wedding was full of crashers!) First of all, I have no idea who half those people were nor do I wish to know the man with feathered earrings who proposed to the lady who just “slid in his DMs.” People slide into my DMs all the time and we do not end up married or in any other contractual relationship. And there was a lot of “Bachelor Nation” speak and frankly, they were really pushing that young bachelor on us to watch.
Of course, I will not watch that young man look for love! I’ve already lived that phase and I know how it goes. Instead, I’ll wait patiently for the next old lady or man to be ready for love, fancy clothes and extreme sports.