Axillary Fat (Day 4, Year 4)

Well, it’s happened. I’ve lost track of days and it is only day 4! I decided to ask my husband the date instead of texting a friend (or more efficiently looking at the date on my phone) because asking the date is a conversation starter and I am trying to keep my marriage alive and communicative. 

I did not make eye contact while asking and shouted it from two rooms away while the garbage disposal and sink were running. I don’t know if he heard me, but he answered with a date, “JANUARY 4TH,” so I think that is today! 

I am finally feeling totally like myself and even went on three video calls today. In between my calls, I decided to try on a ball gown because I could sense it’s beaded presence in my closet behind my giant sweater I never wear because they do not fit under coats. The zipper was very tricky, but I got it up and then I became stuck for quite some time. 

So, I worked in the ball gown for a while, researching such fancy things as “liquid biopsies,” “nanoparticles” and “cancer predisposition syndromes.” Then my armpits started to hurt. I guess it was really the skin adjacent to my armpits that began hurting because the dress is a teeny tiny bit tight in the armpit area.  

I took a little break to google “armpit fat,” which is as known as axillary fat. I don’t want to have axillary fat. I had to stop researching because I realized I had a very professional call (with HR! Hi, Christopher!)  and that the zipper on my ball gown was stuck.

I called my husband, of course, because I am very good at communicating. He did not pick up. So, I had to pray and move my armpit fat out of the way to make the distance between my arm and the zipper less and then somehow, I got out and returned to my professional wardrobe of a purple sweatshirt I picked up off the floor of my closet. Praise Jesus and praise the pliability of my axillary fat.  

I know it is not trendy or body positive to discuss such things as axillary fat, but I know I am not the only one with axillary fat and I know someone out there has planked or punched their way to axillary muscle, which would be preferable as long as the axillary muscle did not become too muscled and bulking. You know like those body builders with spray tans? The goal is to lose inches of axillary tissue, not to simply harden it, because if anything the fat is at least pliable as mentioned before. 

Anyway, let me know if you’ve successfully turned your axillary fat to axillary muscle! 

And, of course, love your axillaries, friends! Fat, muscle, sinew or what have you, they are yours, after all. 

If you need me, I’ll be chewing ice and lifting light weights while listening to Yacht Rock and wearing a ball gown, obviously.