Anyway, we are reading some book (the title is not important) BUT we are also reading THE BOOK (the Bible, the title is important here!). Tonight, we read Acts 1 and 2 in the Bible (not the other book). I became very stuck on the story of replacing Judas.
Judas, as many of you know, betrayed Jesus and paved the way to his death. Then Judas seemed to kill himself by hanging but there is also a reference to falling and having his bowels dump out. Anyway, Judas died and it was grizzly. That left an open seat in the top dog Discipleship group. They had two candidates Justus and Matthias. The disciples prayed. The Holy Spirit entered them. Then they drew lots and in the end gave the rose to Matthias.
Good for him! But, what happened to Justus?
And what will happen to me if I don't get into John Hopkins University? I know I just jumped in there with something not Bible-y. But, the Bible is alive, friends, just like my anxiety over being not chosen for something I'd really want to be chosen for!
To stop myself from thinking about myself, I've been thinking all about Justus and his story. I even asked my children to research while I drove. They kept misspelling Justus as Justice and then everyone was arguing and the Holy Spirit was NOT entering the car. Then I emailed my pastors. They didn't write back instantly (strange, right?), so I'll have to let you know what they say later.
In the meantime, I decided to think about Justus. It's hard to know how he reacted without knowing his personality. Like if he was anything like my oldest, he would have humbly accepted his exclusion and then gone home and cried to his parents and then tough upper lipped it and shown up every week so everyone knew he was no loser. If he was like my middle, he would have stomped, screamed, thrown something and scared everyone, then said, "I don't care anyway. I have too much to do." If he was like my youngest, he would have spun the defeat into a win and gone off to start his own great, fun thing that included Prime Hydration Drinks for all and video games.
Oh and if you are wondering what I would have done; I simply would have not spoken about it. Then I would have written a blog on papyrus (or a big leaf?), in which I forbid everyone from asking me about it and then gotten angry no one asked me about it and written about abandonment. Oh, and then had some wine and called every other disciple a loser and insulted their outfits.
But, no matter who Justus was, he would have been disappointed. I don't buy that anyone is as humble as Christ--those disciples were sinners like the rest of us. Justus definitely felt something unholy in the moments of his exclusion (or maybe it was the other way around and Matthias was mad he'd have to be a leader, who knows?!)
However, no matter who he was, he did something after his rejection (and I think he was rejected during the first disciple draft too, in Luke!). I googled Justus and it seems he went on to be a Bishop and a Saint and Martyr, so in the end, God had big (slightly violent) plans for him,
So, I guess it all worked out if you are into that sort of martyrdom thing.
Now back to me and my desperation to get into graduate school. Yesterday, when my final supporting material was submitted and I received an email from JHU saying they'd begin to review me, I joked to my husband that it was in God's hands now.
And of course it was, because it always was and always has been, just like Justus' life path was in God's hands wayback when. So for now, I've got wait and know that no matter what, I'll be walking exactly the route God intended.