Of course, the invoice is net 30, but as I've learned in my many years consulting and contracting and freelancing, net 30 is more suggestive than authoritative and while no one of note or size has totally ghosted me on payment yet, it always feels magical when I am paid from a client without having to jump through 7 hoops, take 3 quick right turns, toss glitter into the air and summon several gods that I don't even believe in to compel the client to open their wallets and pony up.
There are certain truths that simply cannot be changed in my life no matter how efficiently I take those 3 quick right turns. The best thing about these truths, is that they make me laugh. Okay, the truths sometimes make me laugh and sometimes my laughter is not so much from a place of being highly amused, but from a place of being close to complete mental breakdown.
But laughter is laughter, right? Here are the certain truths that I know I cannot change:
1. My Microsoft Teams, Zoom and Webex will require updating moments before important meetings. After the update, I will be unable to unmute and have to endure 25 seconds of everyone telling me I am muted like I am 110 years old and unable to work an electronic device.
2. When my son takes a shower or bath he will use an entire bottle of my old lady dyed hair shampoo that costs an arm leg and torso. When I ask ask him why, he will say: "It was an accident."
3. When dinner is over, the children disappear and retreat to the farthest, most remote corners of the home to do very important, secret things that leave no trace or paper trail and are impossible to prove and are very private and urgent, so I shouldn't be such a mean mother asking that they help clean up because I cannot possibly understand.
4. I will always start the seeds for my garden, too late, and then I will buy too many plants at the farmer's market and delay planting them and half will die. My husband will tell me this will happen and I will tell him he is wrong and I will roll my eyes in a very loud, haughty way while holding my dead plants and continuing to tell him he is wrong.
5. I will start my daily Yoke 7 times and delete everything and regret the first thing I wrote and deleted. Then I will cope with my regret by watching strange Reels of babies and consider writing about "the strange babies of instagram" for a Yoke, but then I won't because I know then people will realize who I am and might be scared.
6. No matter how tired I am, I will read for 17 minutes at bedtime and when my husband wakes up and asks if I am going to turn off the light, I will tell him the light is off, which will confuse him but I don't care because I am not turning off the light and he is asleep anyway.
7. I will carry all my Target purchases in my arms because I forgot my reusable shopping bags in the car.
8. I will turn left, when I should turn right in the CHOP parking garage, and as a result I will drive around and around and around, desperately searching for the OUT. I will find it, eventually, but I'll pass 100 empty spots on the way that I could have used on the way in.
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