Thursday, January 5, 2023

NOW NOW NOW (Day 5, Year 3)

At the start of every new year, I am always hit with this feeling that I suddenly have to plan out my entire year ahead. Vacations! Work! Goals! Plans! Parties! Events! Meals! EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY THING MUST BE PLANNED RIGHT NOW BEFORE JANUARY IS OVER.

Then suddenly it is February. I don't give a crap anymore and we just have tacos every night for dinner until someone complains. 

While I love making plans and I am really good at lists and filling every single moment with an activity, I get very overwhelmed when someone asks for information and plans. Even if they ask nicely, it feels like they are making unreasonable demands and shouting, even if they are speaking in a neutral, non-confrontational tone and are not yanking on my arm saying "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY." 

I have no idea why I am this way, but I am. And in January, I get super freaked out whenever my husband says "What time is soccer?" or "What's for dinner?" 

So I ignore him or tell him to stop asking and everything will be revealed in due time! What I really want to say is, "YOU ARE BADGERING ME! I AM ALSO BEING FORCED TO PLAN THE OTHER 365 DAYS BY THE DEMANDING VOICES IN MY HEAD."

I actually may have shouted this before dinner tonight. 

Today someone asked me what I was working on and I said, "IMPORTANT THINGS." 

I don't even know what that means! 

I know this is supposed to be a less busy time after the holidays and a return to "regular" life; but with three kids and work and life and community and friends and the chaos I routinely get myself into my regular life is more challenging to navigate than my holiday life. I don't have excuses like class parties or cookie baking or Christmas pageants or sequins or wrapping paper. I just have, well, reality. 

And apparently everything must happen RIGHT FREAKING NOW.  I don't have a solution to this problem of mine. Last year when I was in the throws of the overwhelm, I started therapy. Her solution was to start my day with some quiet time before diving into things. This totally worked; but now, the voices in my head are demanding to know what I am doing during my quiet me time and why I don't have a plan for me time. 

So, really, I am a hot mess. 

But, it's all okay. I can live one day at a time, right?! Yes, this is what I will do to get through it all. Tonight, I just have to do 1,700 things before going to bed 2 minutes earlier than I did last night in order to get more rest. Tomorrow, I just have to open a business account (did I tell you guys I started an LLC today? Don't ask me what it does, I'll freak out!), clean my car, pick up bird seed at Target, pack up to winter camp, drive to the Poconos and not off of a Pocono and then there will other things that I cannot even think about without wanting to scream. I refuse to even think of Saturday. 

I just have to live in the NOW NOW NOW without giving answers about the future on demand and smile, without audibly saying strange things and screaming. 


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