Wednesday, December 14, 2022

Lost Ends of Rolls of Tape (Day 348, Year 2)

According to my Google Analytics, stories about near death experiences are twice as popular as other topics. I don't have any near death stories today and I did not serve nor consume any frozen PBJs. 

However I did consider committing myself to any sort of institution that would take me. Everything felt particularly difficult and everyone felt particularly crazy. I think December makes everyone absolutely insane or insane by proximity to the first insane people--it is like a month of one long full moon or something. 

Maybe it's all the cookies or the hypnotic pulse of LED lights everywhere you look or all the repetition of Christmas carols. Maybe it is the lack of sleep and high expectations and giant to-do lists and endless lost ends of rolls of tape. Like, sometimes you run out of tape and then miraculously find a roll, only to discover the end is no longer pulled out on the serrated edge of the plastic tape case and it is like you found you had one bar on your cell phone when stranded on an island and could call for help, only to have the battery die immediately. 

That lost end of tape drives even the sanest of us to the brink of utter madness. Much like these other seasonal FUN things:

1. FOMO Hysteria. 

There is so much to do this time of year and so many activities offered. Everyone has decided that is the month that everything must be celebrated before 1/1/2023. As a result, my children are filled with FOMO. There is nothing I can do to stop this. But I have to endure the panic, screaming, begging, shouting, insulting and strange tantrums over not being able to do everything. 

I am sorry you cannot tap dance, ice skate, drink hot chocolate and watch a concert, while sitting on Santa's lap and playing a white elephant gift game and designing salt dough Christmas ornaments while also baking cookies and going to Hershey.

It just isn't possible. 

2. Wanting Machines. 

The Christmas wishes around here change hourly and often arrive via text while the wanter is supposed to be in Algebra or Algebra 2/Trig. I can keep track and constantly ask for a ranking of items, but then I get a different list and now everyone is simply getting 7 pairs of gray sweatpants in a ladies size medium and they will be happy about dammit. Merry Christmas! Everyone can match!

3. Endless Need to Finish EVERYTHING.

When the clock strikes midnight and it is officially 1/1/2023, apparently anyone with incomplete projects will SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND BE SENT TO THE RIVER STYX FOR AN ETERNITY. 

I know this isn't true but this is however I know behaves. It's exhausting. I try to lean away from this behavior, but I cannot change the world on my own. Someday I'll organize a protest. But for now, I am going to drink wine by the flashing LED lights of my Christmas tree and become hypnotized so I can fit in. 

Merry Christmas, friends!


No comments:

Post a Comment