Well, friends, it is after midnight and I am just sitting down to write. Whenever I let my writing in Yoke wait until this late (early?) hour, I always feel a little like a failure. But the truth is, I am really SUCH A SUCCESS, that you all had to wait for it!
Lately, I've been writing a lot about goals and successes and failures and I think my own cracks are glowing with my personal insecurity. I am embracing it! I am working it and I am here to say I am confident that I am insecure about my successes in life.
Now, I am not about to start ruminating on where I thought I would be when I was 45. (I thought I'd live on Mars or something!) Sidenote: ruminating means both to think deeply and to chew the cud like a goat.
What, I am going to do is talk more about how I am embracing my insecurity. Like the truth is I am so beyond proud of my husband and his career successes. A huge part of me is simply proud to be his wife and to do all those wife/mom things. Sometimes I am nervous to say this out loud because it isn't popular to embrace these "1950s" sort of roles. I am certainly not a stay-at-home mom and my husband does way more than his share of household and kid things. Together, we have to keep the house rolling--and sometimes I have to do on my own because of his traditional and traveling job. (He hates when I mention he travels. But, whatever, he does!).
The world has conditioned me so much to be an independent woman that my desires to mother and wife feel at odds with the calls of society. I am independent; but I also part of a family, in fact, I am pretty sure I am the head of the family, except for tax and medical bill liability purposes. And I do love my work--I value my career, too. But, I know in my heart that being a wife and mother trumps all the bylines and all the paychecks. This is important work for me. I will bake the cookies and clean the floors and do the homework and navigate the emotions and think of 50,000 things at once. And sometimes, it means that I am a little less ambitious in my career.
And I am good with that.
But, after saying all that, I don't want anyone to get the impression that I work any less than I do. Ask my family--if I am not tending to them, I am working. I am constantly writing, editing, hustling and trying my best to keep up--and hopefully get ahead. But I know I cannot "have it all" or "do it all," at least not at once. So I am embracing the things that feel right--and right now it feels right to fold the laundry (sometimes, I am not trying to boast!) and run lost and missing items back and forth to school.