However, everyone knows the real prize is reading what I write! So, as Oprah says, "You get a blog, You get a blog, everyone gets a blog!"
After you text your friends to tell them about the prize you've just won, you can keep reading my list of "Things I got through this week." I thought about calling it things I survived this week; but I've survived a lot of real scary shit in my lifetime. I don't want to compare laundry to surviving a medical emergency. Most of the challenges in life are really just things I got through not things I survived.
This is similar to the simmering hatred caused by the misuse and overuse of the term "Bucket List." Like, "Oh that's on my summer bucket list," or "What's on your bucket list this year?" Bucket List is a list of things the dying want to complete before they "kick the bucket" and die. I know one could argue that we are all actively dying from the moment we are born; but I did not major in philosophy and instead majored in STOP COMPARING THE END OF SEASONS TO DEATH.
Thank you. Now that we've all gotten through that, I can tell you what I've gotten through this week:
1. My Children and Their Laundry
I did not finish my children's laundry. Nor did I fold it. But I got through their endless complaining and laundry basket dumping without screaming at them! They love to enter my room quietly in the morning, tip toe close to my face and then say in a monotone voice: "I have nothing to wear" and then get frightened when I scream. They also like to sit in dark corners and when they hear me walk by for my coffee, say "Mommy, I have no pants" and then scream as if being stabbed. Other laundry dysfunctions that they enjoy: wearing clothes that smell like a horse, wearing pajamas to school, wearing shorts on 50 degree days, dumping out laundry baskets in every room of the house and being shocked when I asked them to clean up the clothing on the family room floor.
This is everyday.
But I got through it!
2. Making Dinner without getting groceries!
I never made it to the grocery store this week! We popped in Sunday for some emergency nacho supplies and then the rest of the week I cobbled together subpar meals from the freezer and pantry and The Pour House (which is like an extension of my pantry! It's a small town!). Tonight, I found some stuffed "magic' chicken and frozen vegetables and sodium laden rice pilaf to feed everyone!
Tomorrow is Friday and I do not prepare meals on Friday because of my religious beliefs that say "Thou shall not cook on Friday."
So, I got through it!
3. The Internet
I got through so many things on the internet this week. I have to spend some time in baby groups for client research, so I am hip deep in discussions about starting solids and sleep and returning to a sex life with your spouse. I often want to scream: WAIT FOR TEENAGERS when parents complain about baby gas or a toy stealing toddler. But, I cannot! I am just there for the research, I am not there to fix them! (LIKE BY GOD WOMAN WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE PACIFIER AWAY FROM YOUR 7 MONTH OLD. SHOVE IT BACK IN THEIR MOUTHS AND GO TO BED!!) I haven't written anything in all caps! I think this is a win.
I also today witnessed a weird post in a Peloton group about Satanism and frankly, I am scared. But I got through IT, praise Jesus.
4. Middle School Conferences
Our middle child is in middle and tonight was zoom conferences. I was scared because middle children are exactly what you would expect and even more scary than you could ever imagine. I got through discussions of her spiritedness and her debate skills.
I did not get through the news that she writes "IDK" for questions in language arts about character motivations. Like, why did Bob (which she writes Bod to be funny and has nearly kicked off a dyslexia screening emergency) yell at John? Her answer: "IDK." What is the setting for the book? Her answer: "IDK"
I fell out of my chair laughing; but did recover in time to handle science and latin conferences professionally and with my best manners.
I got through it, friends!