BUT, I've been trying very hard not to complain endlessly. This trying hard started approximately 5 hours ago and was very short lived, but now I back on the wagon of positivity.
Well, not on the wagon, I am more like chasing the wagon at a brisk walking pace and occasionally stopping to pull up my black leggings or to point out an interesting bird or to pick up litter.
I am wagon adjacent.
Anyway, I am truly trying to be positive. I told my family earlier I was trying and I am certain they ignored me because one of them, said "what?" and another one rolled their eyes and let out a sigh. And all of them have yelled at me.
I think though, the first thing about trying not to complain and being positive, is acknowledging that I cannot control anything. I can sort of bless and release everything and attempt to walk around like someone high on drugs or someone who has been elevated by a robust spiritual experience (involving drugs) and who now floats through the world smiling in a calm, non-deranged way. Picture a woman in white, floating through dirty city streets, while people yell "WHY ARE YOU DRESSED THAT WAY LADY?!", but she remains unflappable with a serene, other worldly look on her face sprinkling out vague wisdom and lollipops everywhere.
I would love to be that woman. Unless I get my hands on some serious pharmaceuticals, this is all highly unlikely. But, I can aspire to be her sidekick who occasionally shines a positive light into the world.
You are probably wondering where all this came from. I've been feeling untethered and without direction lately and as a result I complain endlessly. Many of my complaints are warranted; but they are still annoying and hacking away at my soul and my creditability. When I first started feeling this way I decided to read simple, positive uplifting fiction books and this led me to Katherine Center, who writes sweet romances mixed with good humor and real-ish characters with actual trauma. I am on my fourth Katherine Center book in 2 weeks and I plan to get through her entire catalogue.
The latest pick "Happiness for Beginners" has the main character on a wilderness journey (which sounds horrible) who is trying each day to pick three good things and somehow insulate herself with happiness so the bad things don't bother her as much. I know this is a work of fiction; but I find most non-fiction self-help books to be highly fictionalized. The advice to pick three good things and use those to carry and cover us through the storms of the day seems as good as any advice I've read.
My list of three things today is not like the best list of good things ever. These will not impress anyone or provide any inspiring perspective. But, these are what I could come up with from a very trying day:
1. I was able to get my contact lenses in my eyes in less than a minute. I know this is not exciting; but I just got contacts and now I can do it without fanfare.
2. I spent 30 minutes in my favorite bookstore Inkwood and picked up a million books I don't need, which was lovely. But my son, who struggles with reading, spent those 30 minutes in the Reading Nook reading Creepy Underpants and acting out every page of the book like he was auditing for Broadway. There is nothing better than watching someone you love enjoy a book.
3. I had good colleagues listen and acknowledge me when I was struggling. It's hard sometimes to trust the people you work with--I think we all know that. But, when you can, it is really such a gift.