She was nervous last night and woke me up in the middle of the night standing over me in my hotel room bed like some sort of murderer/ghost. Today, she was nervous again; but once we got through the COVID test (it is a camp for kids who might be in treatment or post treatment) and to the meeting point before she ventures out into the woods, Lily was back to her confident, positive, "please mother leave" self.
Somehow, between driving home and several phone calls from our other children at home detailing problems with tinsels, paint, cat food and my mother, Mike and I each managed to work more than a full day.
I am feeling in a bit of a professional crisis lately. I love all the things I do; but I am feeling without a goal. This is all me and not anyone I work for; I just need to figure out what it is I want to be when I grow up and maybe also answer the question: what color is my parachute?
Everyone who knows me well, knows I have this crisis at least once a quarter. I always rally and then I subsequently succomb to the nagging voice in my head that is telling me I am doing it all wrong. I have no idea if the nagging voice is a liar or a truth teller; so I keep on keeping on and then, 6 weeks later, return to my professional crisis and endless self loathing over the lack of a book draft or the lack of new published pieces.
Anyway, if you actually read all of that, I will assume you are now as exhausted as I am with my endless professional narcissism.
I know the remedy to all of this: it is to actually write something. But that paralyzes me, so instead, tonight, I took my youngest children to Ram, a vintage arcade museum in town and dedicated myself to Pac-man.
When I walked in, the woman at the counter told us that rumor has it that Pac-man will be the game of the month for August. I love Pac-man. It is satisfying to trick those little pixilated ghosts and put them on the chase. I love when my Pac-man can eat them. I don't like Ms. Pac-man, by the way. And I worry this makes me a conservative and a woman-hater. However, she is annoying and really should get her own thing!
Anyway, I got sidetracked!
I worked tonight to beat the existing high score of 24,280 that is listed on the machine. This is not a very high score. A perfect score is like over 3 million. So the fact that I only got close to 24,380 (with 23,070) is not saying much. I am also probably competing against small children who get distracted and leave the machine before their turns are fully over. But, whatever, friends, I feel like I am a contender.
I am fully aware that this Pac-man dedication is me avoiding all the things that are bothering me. But, whatever, maybe I'll start a YouTube channel and everyone can watch me play Pac-man poorly. Or maybe I'll write about this nonsense. . .oh wait, that is what I am already doing.