At my very first job, there was a woman who had worked there and was rumored to have had a nervous breakdown from the stress, causing her to quit and go work at plant nursery in Canada.
I used to think: "wow, that lady was CRAY-ZEE." Back then, I had no idea what stress or failure was; now I am very familiar.
It is not that my life is falling apart or that anything awful is happening. But, I find myself slightly failing and falling apart in all areas of my life. And I feel like I need to rant and rave and share all my failures, into to release them and move on.
So here it goes:
I cannot solve any of my children's problem's lately--not that I am responsible for solving them; it's just that I am not even successful at providing them with any meaningful support. I have no patience for bedtime or whining or the not listening. I am just over it all and they can sense it; which in turn, makes everything worse.
And I just feel like a total mom failure.
I promised myself I would not whine and have a full breakdown tonight, but too late now.
I am also failing with my writing--like what is the point of my writing here every night? I know it annoys my family because it is time away from them. And even if they say that they are not really annoyed, I know they are, because they've each said it 8 times. And then I ask myself, why am I writing here?
I really don't know. Because I am not a quitter?
And I am a disaster at everything else. My husband has his own stress that I cannot seem to support correctly or take away (wife failure!). I haven't had a real conversation of length with my mother in months (daughter failure!). I haven't planned summer camps or vacations or folded laundry. (mom failure, again!).
And I am tired and adjusting to my medication and my diagnoses and all my physical issues (self care failure!).
And who knows the last time I had a real conversation with one of my original best friends? When did I see them last? I have no idea! (friend failure!).
I haven't sent out the email to collect money for Splash Party raffle basket! Oh and the plant sale was never set up! Oh and Nick's "Oh the places you can go" book is missing! And I haven't fully moved all my summer clothes into my closet! And I haven't made reservations at the Eiffel Tower! And I have to find a doctor to look at my ankle!
I know this is a season and I know I will shake myself out of it. But, I needed to spew all those perceived failures out into the universe, so tomrorow I can start with a clean slate (and Day 153 in Yoke!).
So, cheers to the release of failures and hello to the start of success (tomorrow. Tonight, I will wallow while watching cheesy television and intermittedly ranting).