Nothing really dramatic happened today. It was a pretty regular day of working, writing, running about, sporting events, managing children's wardrobe changes, navigating the details for upcoming events, managing my obsessive thoughts about childhood cancer, listening to town gossip (retiring principal coupled with the "Frozen Flu" outbreak of 2022) and checking my blood sugar.
My blood sugar, by the way, is all over the map. High when you'd expect to be low. Low when it should be high. If anything, this proves me how my pancreas is clearly a hot mess regulating my insulin. And it is a lovely analogy for my life. If I am the pancreas; there are moments when I've got everything under control (i.e. my insulin production); but it is truly just luck. Most of the time I am sending nothing or sending too much and I just end up in a state of shock or manic reaction.
So, I guess I have settled on a title: "High When It Should be Low."
I think adulthood is often marked with constant moments of malfunctioning regulation of things. Like, I have a deadline and I can do is think obsessively about Lily's diagnosis day coming up. I'll have a doctor's appointment for my son and all I can do is worry we won't be able to find an affordable rental at the shore this summer. I'll be in a meeting and so hyper focused, that I'll leave the meeting and forget about the very important email I have to send to a teacher about something very important.
Like I get some of it right; but most of it wrong. And it is not only exhausting, but leaves me in a state of confusion and wonder. Like did we really manage to survive the day? Is it really all over until dawn? Can I finally relax?
I think, maybe, the answer is yes. However, I am not a good gauge. I am sure I am forgetting something important, like to switch the laundry or sign a very important form or something. But for tonight, I am going with the low. . .and finally trying, to shut it off and regulate myself to the proper time and place.