Monday, May 9, 2022

5 People Who Make Me Mean. And Grumpy. And Complain. (Day 129, Year 2)

Guess what? My new medications make me throw up in my mouth all day long. The good news is some days I don't even notice because I am so used to annoying people invoking the same, nauseating response. 

That was a bit mean, wasn't it? And grumpy? Oh well! Sometimes I am very mean and a bit grumpy. It happens, especially when I've been holding in all the annoying interludes I've had this Spring! 

For the record, I already feel super bad complaining about people. There are so many things you could say about me that are less than flattering! For one, I write a blog that I post in everyday and share on Facebook like some sort of annoying super social poster. And two, I complain a lot and say mean things like: "you make me projectile vomit just like my ozempic does." 

But, alas, I promised to write everyday authentically, complaining here does minimize my public complaining at meetings and of course, most important:

Complaints always seem to draw a crowd; until the complaining becomes droning. Hopefully, I won't drone and will only successfully hold your interest with some very proper and funny complaining. 

Without further complaint, here the five types of people who make mean and grumpy and complain*:

1. The Writers Are a Dime a Dozen Guy

Last week, someone reached out to me about freelance writing. I will speak to anyone about writing that pays because my entire career has been based on hustling and writing anything for a dollar (preferably several dollars). I was excited. Then I spoke to this guy, who told me "writers are a dime a dozen! I can always find a writer!" This went on for 20 minutes. 

And guess what? It is a wonderful thing that he always find a writer because I will not write for him, even for several dollars.

2. The Small Talk to Avoid Uncomfortable Discussions Lady

While I do have one particular lady in mind; this is a persona I've encountered many times in my life--the small talk rambler who nervously seeks me out in an effort to proactively avoid any uncomfortable or serious conversations. They always think they are brave and gracious; but really they are cowards hiding in plain sight. NO I DO NOT WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY GARDEN JANET LET'S TALK ABOUT THE WAY IN WHICH YOU WRONGED ME. 

3. Won't Make Eye Contact or Say Hello Even Though We've Been Sitting on the Same Sidelines Our Entire Lives 

If you are reading this, this is not you. The vast majority of sideline parents I've encountered in my 14 years of sideline time are among the greatest, most fun, most lovely, most supportive people on the planet. That is EXCEPT for the people who decided 6 years ago to never make eye contact or say hello and now have stuck with it. It is super weird and when it happens, even when I say hello and jump up and down, I worry that I've died, like Bill Cosby in Ghost Dad and no one but my family can see me. 

It's really impacted me deeply. Lesson: say hello to everyone! They might have an Aperol Spritz in their Yeti to share or a blog in which they mention you in a vague, vague way. 

4. The Sign Up for our Remind Because I'll Email You People

Guys, I have at least 57 apps on my cell phone for communications purposes. I have notifications on and since I am not yet suffering from dementia, I do know which of the 57 apps is for each of the 57 sports/productions/activities/client/etc. If you make me sign up for your Remind or your Slack or your Snap or your INSTANTMESSAGEABOUTUNIMPORTANTTHINGS App, please do not also email me different, important information. Pick a lane, any lane, but just one! You cannot drive in two lanes without disaster! 

5. The Explainer of Cancer to Me, The Cancer Writer

I know some of you won't believe me (and I don't care, actually) but I know a lot about cancer and cancer treatment. I write about it, extensively, and I am paid to do so. I read about it. I speak to actual oncology researchers about it. I also have lived it as a mom to a child battling cancer. So, unless you are an oncologist I am interviewing: DO NOT EXPLAIN HOW I COULD CURE PEDIATRIC CANCER WITH ORGANIC BROCCOLI, A MAGIC WAND AND SOME LAVENDER OIL. Trust me: it does not work. You have to add in some purple glitter for it work. 

Joking! But you get my point. No one likes a mansplainer or a cancersplainer. We can talk; but unless I enrolled in your college course, save the lecture for your YouTube channel.

*I suggest you look for yourself on the list (joking, maybe) and try to do better (for all of us; the least of all yourself! joking! YOU ARE PERFECT!).


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