Tuesday, March 22, 2022

The one thing I don't have time for (Day 81, Year 2)

Tonight, several members of the family had mini temper tantrums. The tantrums were over several things: dishwasher emptying; being given incomplete, stressful sounding information (I had to go outside and scream and stomp); lacrosse accessories strewn about the home, yard, porch and garage; the constant teenage girl problem of "nothing to wear;" biology quizzes; hunger pains; and of course, for no reason in particular. 

There were big breaths, loud voices, accusations, shade throwing (I am raising masters of deflection), stomping, screaming and the use of words we've all learned on Sweardle (the Wordle for people with potty mouths and aspiring potty mouths). And I realize that in your house, the loud screams and stomping might count as regular-sized or even super-sized temper tantrums. But, my half-Carrington children are very loud and dramatic, so the tantrumatic events that unfolded were of the mini variety.

It's all relative, right?

Anyway, in the midst of all of this and especially when I was absolutely seething with rage over the incomplete, stressful sounding information situation, I found myself shouting: "I don't have time for this!"

Then I immediately felt bad, because aren't we taught that we need to acknowledge our feelings? Deal with our emotions? Avoid squashing everything down? Make our needs and desires known? Express ourselves and ensure everyone knows how we are feeling? Feel all the things and not react in socially unacceptable ways? Find time for self care and dealing with our complex, big emotions?

Friends, that is all a load of complete bullshit. 

How in the world is one supposed to feel irate and then act irate in a socially acceptable way? How is one supposed to feel defiant and task adverse and then not scream "no" like a banshee? How is anyone supposed to be elevated when feeling things that are absolutely hell basement level? And how is one supposed to find any time to address ones emotional self care, when taking time for that causes even more stress and just ends up being irritating? Who can feel things and then not behave in a way reflective of their feelings?

A psychopath, that's who. And fortunately, I am not a psychopath (yet). But unfortunately, this means the one thing I don't have time for is feeling everything. 

I know that sounds strange to say that I don't time for feeling things--but as I mentioned the result of feeling things is often a very emotional situation. Tonight as my one daughter was absolutely murderous over the lack of acceptable pajamas and an outfit for tomorrow, I kept saying to her: "WHY IS THIS AN EMOTIONAL THING?" and she kept saying, "FINE! I'LL JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND SCREAM MORE. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?" 

I mean I think it goes without saying that was not what I wanted. 

So, I told her that she does not have time to have feelings about clothing. She looked at me funny; and I repeated myself, tossed in a Sweardle word for emphasis and then we found pajamas and several outfit options for tomorrow and stopped feeling things. It was glorious.  

I do feel a little tired now, but I don't have time to feel tired, because if I start feeling tired, I will begin getting irritated and probably start stomping. So I am just tired, but who cares? Not me, because I no longer have feelings as a result of not having time for feelings. 

If you need me, I'll be telling my children how we cannot feel things anymore and also explaining to my mother how we no longer smile or have any discernible emotions. 

I'd say thanks for reading, but that would imply I feel something and as I mentioned, I don't have time to feel, anything! 

So I don't know, if you read this, then I guess you read this, right? 






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