Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Beyond, beyond (Day 53, year 2)


Today has been extremely frustrating-like beyond, beyond frustrating. I could complain for HOURS, about everything. I am a very unstatisfied customer of Tuesday, 2-22-2022. In fact, it is TOO much. And TOO annoying. 

ARGH! I just want to scream. But, I am going to try to use the therapy insights I received yesterday in my second session. My therapist set up a framework for how our time would go. First, we check in and discuss hot button issues and the general atmosphere of my week (my week is always stormy. she doesn't believe me). Then, we discuss my homework and whatever therapy projects she has for me. 

(I love the homework and projects part! I excel at school work!) 

My homework was to review my morning routine--you know avoid the teenagers, squeeze out 15 more minutes of bad sleep, argue with the boy over underwear and shorts in winter, pack a sub-standard lunch that makes me ashamed to be a mother and take the boy to school, while wearing my pajamas and remnants of last night's lipstick (yes, lipstick EVERY DAY!). Then I usually share the days complaints with anyone who will listen (this includes strangers at Starbucks) and I start my work day immediately. 

This is apparently not a recipe for a positive start. I did not fully believe her; but I started my day like I always do, instead of the way she suggested and today, everything turned out HORRIBLY. 

First, there was the issue with the robot. 

I mean some of it was already destined to be horrible because of a ROBOT which posted something to one social account it wasn't supposed to and an amazingly wonderful person corrected the issue before it was a real issue, but now I've been humiliated by a robot. 

Then, there was the mad hatter.

Then, there was the mad hatter email chain in which someone would not answer my question about a practice schedule and I reverted to misquoting scripture in an effort to JESUS shame them (it did not work!).  I still have no idea when anything is and I don't trust the answers I've been given by third parties, even though they are trustworthy.  I am a control freak with schedules! I like to know everything and every nuance so I can gauge and bend time and prepare meals to ensure everyone is fed. It's all very serious here. And infuriating that no one can just create a schedule or a meeting invite. Maybe the robot could support the mad hatter? ARGH!@#$@

And, of course, then there is my day after therapy breakdown. 

There is no way I will ever find time for meaningful movement in the morning! I will never be able to go on a meditative walk and think about things I am grateful for in the morning. There isn't time, unless I rise at 4am and walk with the raccoons and other night animals, who will try to eat me (defeating the whole purpose of building a healthy mindset, because I'll have been eaten)!  I am incapable of beginning my day with gratitude, unless I am on vacation. I am also supposed to end my day with gratitude.  But, I am too irritated for gratitude. I wrote the words that I feel in my notebook and they included "full of cookies" "annoyed" "without direction" and "NOT gracious."

And then, there were the cookies. 

You guys, I ate half a box of Girl Scout Peanut Butter Sandwiches all by myself. I tracked this in NOOM and I am pretty sure they are going to kick me out or target me for an up-charge. 

Then, there was the evening revelation. 

As a result of the bad start, the robot humiliation, the mad hatter schedule conversation laced with control issues and Jesus, the day after breakdown and the cookies, I've decided I am directionless, without any discernible aims and really bad at laundry. 

I am tempted to dramatically fake faint on the couch, but there is laundry on the couch, so this is ill-advised. 

BUT! I do want to try to be filled with gratitude, so I will try to end graciously. 

Today, I am grateful for the pro and anti-maskers who make their rounds on the Facebook community circuit posting the same hysteria everyday for our entertainment. ( I am not so grateful for the moderation of these posts; but I do understand most people are grateful for adults stepping in and really, it is the right thing to do. I think. I don't really know.) 

I am also grateful for my middle daughter, who sells Girl Scout cookies. 

I am grateful for that robot, because well, I am scared of robots. Robot if you are reading this, you are the best! 

I am grateful to be employed, work with wonderful people on wonderful things and to have colleagues who laugh at my dramatic episodes. 

I am grateful that I do actually go with the flow quite often and I don't listen to the raging control freak in my head. There are some people who believe me to be "laid back." I am grateful for their delusion. 

I am grateful for the friends who banter with me about pickles and goats and Santa (in February.) and Wordle (and related franchises) and how disappointing everyone is. 

I am grateful for the beyond, beyond frustrating days, because these days give me endless things to laugh (and write) about. 

Oh and of course, I am beyond, beyond grateful for anyone who made it to the end of this blog post! You are the true heroes of the day, dear readers!


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