The State of Things (Day 6, Year 2)

I just found a sunflower seed in my cleavage. The last time I had sunflower seeds was in 2021. 

Also, my skin has a very weird sickly pallor--like the COVID is coming out of my pores. I even tried with makeup and hair styling today. When I was on a video call, I saw this very old, haggard creature with bedhead. It was me. I don't even recognize myself anymore. 

My husband told me that I looked nice earlier; so the COVID is affecting his vision. 

We are still sick, but I think making baby steps forward to recovery. The girls seem nearly back to normal--just an errant cough here and there. My middle and I cannot stand the smell of vinegar (thwarts my homemade salad dressing plans); it smells toxic. My son is on day 4? 5? 6? of a low grade fever that does not want to quit. My husband has clogged ears and the same exhaustion I have. My voice comes and goes as it pleases, like a college student home on break. 

I am a certain level of bored that leaves me staring at the wall for 10 minutes at a time; but then also so extremely tired that I cannot imagine doing anything. I slept for 11 hours last night and it was not enough. Someone told me today that it will take me a month to recover and I believe them. Whatever variant of COVID-19 this is--my immune system is not pleased and it is pulling out all the exhausting and endless stops. 

We will be fine, though, and I am endlessly glad for that. This long isolation with COVID has me naturally thinking about my health and the state of things in my own body. I've been treated for high blood pressure since 2016--a byproduct of my two bouts of preeclampsia. The diagnosis devestated me then; it still upsets me now when I think about it. Thankfully, I haven't ever had to go up on my medicine dosage; but I still have intense, paralyzing anxiety about my blood pressure. 

I cannot control the pressure readings. Just like I could not controlling getting COVID. 

I've been really annoyed at COVID--not just because of the sickness, but because I had big plans for the year! I wanted to get back on my Peloton more consistently and dig into my book writing and really focus on client work planning this first week of the year. It is so frustrating to have this interupption. And it is so infurating to need deadlines extended and ask colleagues to send over notes from meetings I was too sick to attend. 

But, this is all out of my control. What I can control are the things I put into my life to make the state of things better. While sick, I've rested. I've had endless cups of hot water with lemon. I've avoided wine. I've had tons of soup and vitamins. I've enjoyed the time with my kids and my husband. I taught Nicholas how to chop vegetables for salad. I've even picked up my knitting again. I've accepted help from friends. 

All those things are things I can do even when I am not sick. I can rest more. I can hydrate and limit alcohol. I can pay attention to my diet and my vitamins. I can spend more quiet time with my kids. I can spend more quiet time with myself. And I can accept help. These are such valuable pieces of selfcare--and I cannot help but think I would have missed this wisdom (and that sunflower seed in my bra), if COVID didn't force me to sit down.