Thursday, January 27, 2022

Owning It (Day 27, Year 2)

I wrote yesterday without wanting anything in return. I wrote with as much honesty as I could because that was the promise I made to myself when I started writing here. 

What I received was so much love, an amount that I cannot quantify, as well as some offers to exact revenge against those who harmed me. 

I am from Jersey, so I appreciate the revenge part almost as much as I appreciate the love. 

So, thank you friends. 

There is no one and nothing that is deserving of any sort of revenge or negative thoughts. Something happened that triggered me. I am firm believer that we are the owners of our triggers and no one else, especially someone who inadvertently and without malice says something, is responsible for our feelings. My hard day is my own. My reaction to words is my own. I own that reaction in the same way that I own my words to others. 

We should all try to be kind and sensitive and respectful, of course. I'd be the biggest liar if I said that I never triggered someone or gave their snowball of trauma a little push by accident, causing a hard day. It is just how it goes for us human beings. We are clumsy on our best days; reckless on all the rest.  I am sure I was both clumsy and reckless today. 

I think this dual ownership--our reaction to the words that come at us and the words we share is really important. Ownership comes with both responsibility and freedom; it allows me to independently find joy and peace, regardless of the madness around me. And it reminds me that I need to try my best not to bring on the madness with my words and behavior. 

There is a third part of owning it--the part where I protect my peace. This isn't a passive thing. And this is not an avoidance of hard things or an avoidance of sad stories or difficult situations. This is finding ways to acknowledge, process and put those hard things where they belong. This is also dancing to Madonna with my son, listening to a good friend and supporting her and loving those all around me the best I can. 

As for today, the day after the hard day, I am better. I am tired. Emotions are exhausting, aren't they? Writing about my hard day really helped me throw shade on the lies that trauma brings and most important, throw light on the truth. I am a happy. I know I am so loved. I know that the bad things that happen to all of us are rarely our fault and even when they are, well, we can't dwell in trauma, because trauma does not love us and lies to us as often as possible. 

Thank you for being part of the truth. I hope that everyone reading this realizes how much I love and care for them--even if I don't "know you, know you," I know you deserve all the love and care in the world. 

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