Hard Truth (Day 26, Year 2)

I suppose I knew that this sort of mental crash was coming. I know myself. I know I carry trauma with me. It sneaks out, like a mouse in the house, at unpredictable times. I cannot say it has a mind of its own, because it is, in fact, my mind. But it does have a momentum of its own and sometimes, I forget and off it goes, racing to where ever it races. 

I am having a hard day today, friends. 

I think the beginning of the hard day started yesterday, but in truth, all our hard days are rooted in all the shit we have to live through as human beings. But who has time to wade through a lifetime when one is attempting to live in this one? 

Yesterday, someone said something about me in a conference call, not an insult, exactly, but also not a compliment. And when I am in the right head space, it is not something that would truly bother me at all nor would I find offensive, but my head was not in that space and the statement about me and my skill set, bit me and gave my trauma the gentle push it was looking for to begin speeding up and taking charge. 

So much of my angst with the trauma that I've experienced is rooted in an internal lie that everything bad that has happened to me and to the ones I love is a result of my failing. I know this is not true. And I don't fully believe it. But, alas, sometimes I think it and doubt creeps in. Failure, of any kind, can trigger the hard day and destroy the mental peace I work so hard to cultivate.  

So, here I am not my best self. 

There were other things today. Yelling children. A disagreement with my husband. Lots of work. A conversation with an oncology research that triggered a memory of Lily. An article that triggered anger over my brother's death and the fears his donated organs went to someone awful. I thought I'd sit down tonight and write about one of these trigger moments--get all the angst out in a blog post and state my case and make myself right and fix all the ways in which I failed the people I loved. 

But that feeds a lie, doesn't it?

So tonight, I am not feeding the lie. I am quieting it, with the truth. 

I am having a hard day today, friends.