I've been feeling disheveled the entire year--messy and a mess. At first, it was being sick, but now it just feels like me.
This is not about physical mess. It is mental mess, mostly. Of course, the physical mess makes the mental mess even more messy and all the messes are messily complicated and I have no idea how to unravel them.
I've been getting things done; but not as efficiently as I would like and then there have been times when I have to force myself to do the things I have to do instead of doing something else entirely like stare into space or clean out my ears. I am not sure why my head is in this place, but it feels like it takes so much energy to simply do anything.
Like today, I avoided writing this blog for hours. We had a lovely morning celebrating Chloe; then I had a pretty open day, which one would think would be productive but instead I felt like I was spinning my wheels. But, then the afternoon and dinner was so lovely, with our lovely kids and our gorgeous now-13-year-old Chloe. I got home and I just began to languish.
I am not doing anything. I am barely able to focus on anything. I am not mindful in anything.
And then time ticks by and I've not even lived any of the moments and suddenly the day is over.
I decided to try a change of scenery in a room that I don't normally sit in to write. While this still took me forever to write, at least I wrote something, but still, it was like pulling teeth.
It's messy and tiring and leaving me feeling disconnected from myself.
I am not sure exactly what to do about this feeling. But, I need to break out of this messy rut, so I can feel more accomplished and connected and satisifed. Maybe meditation, maybe more sleep or maybe, I should go clean my room, clear the air and clear the actual and mental mess.
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