Sunday, November 21, 2021

Worry Crisis (Day 326)

Friends, I am in a worry crisis. 

I am very clear headed (thanks to the lunar reset) and at the same time very worried about many things. I worry endlessly; even though I do not have a maternal worry role model (If you asked my mom if she ever worried about me, she would absolutely say: "not so much."); and despite the fact that my husband accuses me often of not worrying about things like the budget, the outdoor Christmas display and household chores/repairs. 

I don't worry about those things at all because I spend all my time worrying about my children. 

Endless hours and days and nights and weeks and months and years are devoted to my practice of worrying about my children. I worry about EVERYTHING. I worry I am not nice enough. I worry I am not mean enough. I worry they will turn 18 and leave and never come back. I worry they will be 30 and still live here. I worry they won't have friends. I worry they will have the wrong friends. I worry they will fail at school. I worry they will excel at school and then become mean nerds. I worry they will get arrested (if you've seen them fight with each other, you'd worry too!). I worry they will get hit by a car. I've even started to worry that they will get kidnapped!

And I used to mock those who worried about random kidnapping. Now, I am one of them! 

It is irrational. 

Tonight, I began worrying because my teenager did not do her school work and lied about it. I decided this  was a sign there was something really wrong, until a friend reminded me that this is standard teenage behavior. 

I mean she is right. Or maybe not? Now I am worried that I've lost my sense of reality. 

I am tempted to sleep on the girls bedroom floor to monitor their breathing; in case anything seems hinky in the middle of the night! I don't even know why I am now worried about their breathing. And the middle schooler wants to work on a giant telescope! What if they want her to go into space and she misses Thanksgiving one year? What if they sexually harass her? What if she fells into the giant telescope and gets stuck?

And then the boy! Oh the boy! He gives me so much to worry about. I worry that when he is high school he won't be good enough at soccer and then become a drug addict. I worry that he will be good at soccer and then become a drug addict as the result of a sports injury! I worry he will swallow his wiggly tooth and choke! I worry he'll grow up and juggle 3 girlfriends at once and be one of those awful boys! 

I worry he'll have bathing suit model posters in his dorm room and SHAME THE FAMILY.

It is endless. 

And I know this worrying actually does nothing to alleviate my fears (although, I did just whisper into Nick's ear as he sleeps that he should not hang anything on his dorm room walls!). But I cannot stop. I am going to worry and worry and worry. 

And then friends, I'll worry some more. Probably about worrying. With that, I have to go, because I am worried I won't get my laundry put away and I need time to worry before going to bed to worry in my sleep. 



No comments:

Post a Comment