Saturday, October 16, 2021

Three Lessons from Hotober (Day 290)


BREAKING NEWS: I think it is finally below 80 degrees in October! Hotober might be ending!

Before I go on and at the risk of being Captain Obvious, I'd like to explain that Hotober is a new word I created (like Bradgelina, but without botox or a necklace with a vile of blood) from two other words: HOT and October. In New Jersey, it's been hot since May and this is not normal. We used to have seasons here. Now, we just have Hanuary, Heburary, Harch, Hapril, Hay, June, July, August, Heptember, Hotober, Hovember, Hecember. 

This hot, sticky Fall, headlined by this new month of Hotober, has provided me with many weather-related, weather-adjacent and completely-unrelated-to-weather lessons. 

So, grab yourself an icy cold beverage (preferably with a float of tequila), take a deep breath, increase your zoom (if you are over 40) on your web browser and be ready to have your mind blown and filled with three useless lessons:

1. If you have rats, JUST BE COOL MAN AND SHUT UP. 

So, it seems there continues to be a RAT problem on the other side of town. And it seems that everyone knows about the rat problem because homeowners ratted themselves and their BIG HAIRY PLAGUE HELL MONSTERS out. 

Listen if you have rats, you treat them like an STD and you only tell your trusted medical exterminator professional! You don't post about it in 17 neighborhood groups, you don't then purchase poison and take selfies with the poison container and you don't TELL THE NEWSPAPER, because now it is in the NEWSPAPER! 

What you do: take care of your problems, never speak of it and be shocked when you neighbor discloses to you that they have big hairy plague hell monsters in their house. 

2. Replace your Command Strips once a quarter. 

This week, after 7 months of 80 degree days, several Command Strips gave out in my home. Photos, artwork and the master calendar came crashing down. This caused several things to break when they were struck with the untethered artwork. It also caused me to accuse my children of throwing things and "fighting like horrible angry animals who have no respect for their mother or God." I also suspected my Mother was to blame and gave her pointed looks, followed by big, disrespectful breaths. 

Anyway, it was not my children. Or my mother. Or even a poltergeist. It was the Command Strips! 

Command Strips were not designed to withstand endless summer. In fact, I bet you cannot but them in areas close to actual equator. Do yourself a solid and replace your Command Strips immediately! 

3. Fashion Designers need to take note: HOTOBER is a new fashion season! 

Earlier this morning, when it was 84 degrees in mid-October, my middle daughter had a complete meltdown over clothing because NO ONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS WHAT TO WEAR IN HOTOBER. I have been struggling for weeks--thsirt? tank top? sandals? dresses? bikini? WHAT DO YOU WEAR? It's unnatural to wear a sundress while decorating pumpkins; but it is not reasonable to wear a sweatshirt, because it hotter than Hades. 

We need options, Fashion people! We need things that look like a Pumpkin Latte but wear like an Iced Mocha! GET ON IT!



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