You know those apocalyptic dramas like The Walking Dead or The Stand? Well, I was 100-percent CERTAIN that today was the today the world would end.
Picture It: I am in one of my several Monday morning meetings. I am trying really hard to pay attention; but I simply cannot because I realize I forgot to check back on a salacious and delusional post that was virtue shaming people for posting humble brags on Facebook. I discreetly open Facebook, while smiling and nodding about whatever we are talking about. BUT FACEBOOK WON'T OPEN!
I use a different browser. AND NOTHING.
I try on my phone. NOTHING.
Then I try instagram and NOTHING.
Then I decide I'll chat a colleague about this situation and I open Workplace and NOTHING.
I almost unmuted myself and shouted: "THIS IS IT FRIENDS. DO NOT REFRESH YOUR FACEBOOK SCREEN, SCREEN SHOT IT AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE."
But, I did not, because we were not talking about Facebook or Instagram or virtue shaming and I had to be professional.
So, I texted two friends with the news and we decided that together we could no longer work and needed to MEDITATE while refreshing our screens.
I took to Twitter for intel, because that platform apparently worked and found out there was the OUTAGE OF THE CENTURY.
For five hours, I could not read about humble bragging or even humble brag. I realized that if this was forever, I'd have to revert to playing Minesweeper during meetings like someone from the 1990s. I don't even like Minesweeper and often, I just blew myself up immediately to end the anxiety and just get to the death that was inevitable.
And then I thought, what if they came for Minesweeper, too and then I'd be left reading a book inside my desk drawer like I used to do with my Cosmo magazines in high school!
Then, suddenly everything was back! And let me tell you, the feeds did not disappoint! Here are a few highlights from when the light returned:
1. Someone in my town compared our town soccer t-shirt logo to the Nazi symbol.
Apparently the poster, spent her 5 hours of darkness looking for signs in order to submerge our town into a real life Da Vinci code! I began looking for signs other places! Is that a basketball on my kids team shirt or is it a PENTAGRAM? Are the soccer t-shirts another sign of the apocalypse? Is the little tiny black bird involved? Is my daughter's field hockey stick really a broom?
2. THE RATS CAME BACK.
I may have mentioned that there is a rat problem (ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN) in our town. I want to say again this on the other side of town and somehow we don't have rats here (but I am sure we have other things. Like voles my son captures in the bamboo forest and takes to the playground). Apparently, the rats used the 5 hours of darkness to continue infesting the other side of town and the town has sent out letters about how to control the rat populations. They have many logical solutions, but forgot to include the obvious one: LIGHT EVERYTHING ON FIRE AND RUN RUN RUN RUN.
3. Brian Laundrie continues to be spotted EVERYWHERE.
Have you been following the sad story of Gabby Petito's homicide and her fiancé Brian Laundrie going missing (on the run, perhaps?)? I thought for sure he'd turn up somewhere in the 5 hours I had gone missing. Alas, he showed up everywhere: Mexico, North Carolina, Maine and in a secret bunker in his parents' backyard.
4. No one locked their cars, anywhere!
I saw several posts from a variety of locations about unlocked cars being robbed during the five hours of darkness! YOU HAD 5 HOURS! LOCK YOUR DOORS, because of course the looting will begin! Where else will we turn our energy during the darkness?
5. There are at least 47 MORE humble bragging/virtue shaming posts in my feed.
Apparently, many people had many things to humble brag about during the five hours of darkness. Their children wrote them love letters which prove they are super great parents. Others have made sure to let us all know that WE MUST BE KIND AND AGREE WITH THEM ALWAYS OR WE ARE HORRIBLE BULLIES AND THEY WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT SORT OF BEHAVIOR. Good to know that somethings stay the same!