Wednesday, August 4, 2021

Running Late to Surprise Parties (Day 217, maybe, who knows)

Before I talk about the hornet's nest, I'd like to mention that it feels like September. I find it very confusing.  I was tempted to have a Pumpkin Spice Latte this morning; but then realized it is only early August and I don't want to be banned from my Starbucks for ordering a drink out of season. 

I really avoided a disaster by looking at my calendar and living in reality!

So, now what all 28 of you have been waiting for: a Hornet update (which is followed by the topic of this blog, lateness!). 

Well, I have none. The nest is still there. It is not on our property.  I did see what was maybe a hornet today near my wild cherry/poisonous berry tree. I ran screaming and twisted my ankle, for the second time this week! 

I first twisted my ankle on Saturday afternoon. I think I mentioned to everyone in a previous Yoke that I have a "bad ankle" which I refuse to seek medical attention for. I talk about my "bad ankle" all the time, yet I do not want any advice. I believe my "bad ankle" is a lingering club injury from the early 2000s, when you could find me in Old City dancing the night away and tripping on the stairs of Envy. 

More than once, I was carried out by a bouncer. I am still unclear if I was being helped in a loving way or throw out in hot mess way. Let's believe they loved me! 

Saturday afternoon (in 2021, we are back to the present day now!) Mike and I were running a little late to a Surprise Party for one of our best neighbors, TJ.* His wife Sara is very organized and I was very concerned they would be early and then our latest would lead to the end of the surprise. 

(This has happened before!!)

So, in my rush, I basically fell in a hole in the road, twisted my "bad ankle" and then skinned my knee. There was SO MUCH BLOOD (gag!). But, the show must go on. Mike had two generic, oddly sized bandaids in his glove box, I shoved them on my knee and spent the party seated and occasionally limping to grab some potato chips and hard seltzer. 

I am still limping and after today's fall, I've developed strange muscle pains that are probably the result of walking funny to compensate for my "bad ankle" and my new "bad knee."

But, this blog is not about my musculoskeletal issues and my refusal to seek appropriate medical care, it is about lateness!

I AM ALWAYS RUNNING LATE! 

I have no idea why; well actually I have about 7 billion reasons why, but here are my top ten reasons why I am always running late to surprise parties, doctor's appointments, my own wedding and everything else:

1. My son used my make-up wipes as toilet paper.

The discovery of an empty wipe package set off an entire chain reaction which ruined my entire day and had me turn to hand soap and water for mascara removal. I am now BLIND! 

2. My "bad ankle."

I know I detailed this before, but my bad ankle sometimes makes me walk slow because I am afraid of falling in holes. If I walk fast, I will fall. It's all a game of Russian Roulette meets Operation. 

3. My dog is chasing a bicyclist. 

Or stroller or man on a skateboard or the trash truck. Henry is an escape artist who is motivation by an intense hatred of wheels and the people utilizing them. He prefers runners. 

4. My children are fighting over fidget toys.

This is a new 2021 problem. They all have odd "fidgets" which they fight over. There is often violence involved and they don't like when I suggest they "go read a book and stop playing with junk store junk toys."

5. My children are fighting over the ice machine.

New for August 2021, we have a chewy ice machine in the garage! IT IS AMAZING. But more amazing is when my children fight over getting ice water before we enter the car. Sometimes they throw the chewy ice and grow angry when it does not hurt like throwing regular ice would. 

6. I cannot find the COVID survey link.

Okay, I cannot stand these COVID screeners anymore. I don't even read the questions. I just check 'NO NO NO NO NO" and then misspell my children's names and mistype my email address. Once, for two weeks, I told  everyone Nicholas had "the rigors," and they still took him! I cannot find the links anyway. But, still I try to comply! 

7. I was distracted by reading about vaccine shaming. 

MOST OF YOU are crazy, by the way. I am pro-vaccination and pro-make a decision for your own body and do your research. All this vaccine shaming in my social feed is very entertaining. But NO ONE EVER DOES ANYTHING WHEN BEING SHAMED! Just asked my children! They cannot be shamed over fighting over hospital grade ice or plastic junk toys. But, I do enjoy reading the latest shame and the latest shame rebuttals. PS GO GET VACCINATED! (OR TAKE OTHER PRECAUTIONS! I CANNOT FILL OUT MORE COVID FORMS!). 

8. I was confused by the 75 apps I am required to have on my phone and could not find out the details of where I was supposed to go. 

My app library started out slow--social media and email. Then there were some video chat apps and games and NOW there are 7 apps for each sport, 11 apps for each client, 72 apps for school and approximately 108 apps for ordering food and shopping. I CANNOT FIND ANYTHING! 

9. I had a hard time finding underwear for my children (alright for myself!)

I hate folding and putting away laundry; but I do love clean underwear. Often, my underwear drawer is empty, but my laundry baskets are full of EVERYTHING. As a result, I have to partake in a Double Dare challenge and search for my missing underwear in the baskets of everything else. Sometimes, I win with a record time and other times, the buzzer goes off. But I never give up! (I am just late. . ) 

10. My mother has something important to tell me.

Look, my mom is a slow, flowery talker. And she has no sense of time and place. I could be on a live Video stream and she might have to tell me about someone who made a right turn on red or the receptionist at church who said "oh I know your daughter." Sometimes, she does not speak but hands me a note to read instead. Other times, she accidentally changed the channel of her TV away from Channel 3 and the world is crashing down. 




*Happy birthday TJ!! He does not even read Yoke, so someone tell him he is famous!

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