Making Trades (Day 226)

I once attempted to read "Girl, Wash Your Face," by Rachel Hollis. I made it like a chapter or two in and kept wondering what all the buzz was about. Then I tried to listen to it on Audible and quickly shoved the book on my shelf and deleted the audio book. 

The whole thing annoyed me. 

Only got so far as Hollis talking about the trade-offs--yes you can build an empire, you just might have to miss all your kids soccer games. And yes, you can write a book, you just might never go to bed at the same time as your spouse.  

I don't like missing things and at the same time, I want everything. So, of course, this logic annoyed me. And frankly, it felt like the priorities in the book were all out of whack. If I never have an empire. at least I'll have Nick's soccer games. If I never write a book, at least I have that time with my husband. I want my empire and I want my book; but I want my family more. 

And if you feel judged, know, that I am not judging you. But I am judging myself. 

I just don't think I could ever make those choices. 

And yes, I am privileged. My life will be just fine without my empire and my book. I'll have everything I need and want and more. This refusal to miss out is very much a privilege. 

I am truly lucky. 

I worked a lot this week--billed hours here and there and everywhere. I'll work even more next week. It is a busy time of year--2022 planning, reporting and power points, Childhood Cancer Awareness Month in September, Breastfeeding Month now, National Lemonade Day in a week, fresh wine juice coming in, hard seltzer recipes to blog about and so many other things to list that all go together in my world, but no where else. 

I feel so guilty at any moments I missed. I hate choosing work over them. 

And often, when I writing here at night, I feel like I am choosing this over my family; that I am somehow doing that Rachel Hollis thing and washing my face and making trades. I'd like to trade useless things for writing time and family time; instead of writing for family and family for writing. I struggle with this--the wanting and truly needing to be 7 places at once. 

Somedays, I want to quit. But then what sort of example would I be to my children? I want them to know that they can do hard things and several things all at once. I want them to know that hard work is what makes their privileged lives possible and that hard work can change the world. The people I work for I believe in deeply--and I want them to know that work can also be a passion and a calling, These are the things I won't trade--because my kids learning these lessons is critical.

So, I come here every night and I write. I am interrupted 17 times. I often feel guilty with every word I type. Sometimes I joke about it. Sometimes I cry about it. But, I always write about it and I won't trade this, no matter what. 

Thanks for reading Yoke, whomever you are.