Monday, August 16, 2021

How to Kill Spotted Lanternflies (Day 229)

If you are a regular reader here, you probably have noticed that I am mildly obsessed with the death of the spotted lanternfly. 

These little jerks make me irate and they ARE EVERYWHERE, like stage 3 clingers who just don't get it and keep coming back and bringing their loser friends. 

I have several methods for murdering them at all stages of their development. None of them are sane. One of them is absolutely bizarre. But, if you've got spotted lanternflies in your yard or your garden, you might want to print out this list for your fridge! (Or maybe get it printed on a canvas!). 

Before I share my list, I am re-sharing a VERY flattering photo from yesterday's Yoke in which I complained about this adolescent and annoying stage of the pandemic. Only 14 people read it, according to my analytics (which hopefully are broken!). Anyway, you can read that and see this photo twice! 

Alright, without further adieu, here is my guide to killing spotted lanternflies:

1. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CALL A PROFESSIONAL! 

This costs money.  And then you have to wait for them to arrive and you miss out on channeling your hunter skills!  And this is absolutely not any fun and does not burn any calories. My ways are exhilarating. Plus, if you have someone else do it, you'll never learn how to do it on your own. You can give a man a fish or teach him to fish, right?

2. Get a jar of soapy water.  

This method works great for the nymphs. When I was a kid, my grandfather would have me do a similar thing with beetles on his roses. Only, his jar was a coffee can filled with gasoline, which was extreme. After the one time I panicked and screamed and spilled gasoline all over myself, he switched to soapy water, reluctantly. (Granddad LOVED fossil fuels!)

Anyway, get a jar of soapy water and go out to wherever they are hanging out and plotting the deconstruction of your garden. Position your jar in front of them and then give the branch or leaf a shake. They will fall/jump to their deaths and suffocate in the soapy water. 

It is glorious. 

3. Get a Salt Gun. 

I don't have a salt gun; but my friend Heather does. As I picture it, she sits on her back porch, like that lady in the Hatfields and McCoys and shoots spotted lanternflies on sight. She is chewing a piece of straw while this is happening. She is also wearing a gorgeous flowered hippie dress from Anthropologie and absolutely perfect booties! 

This exact scene may or may not be true. BUT the spotted lantern flies explode. 

Which is also glorious. 

4. Shame them and berate them. 

Today, they made me so angry that I just started shouting at them. I told them how awful they were and how no one liked them and that they needed to leave. One spontaneously jumped onto MY PERSON and I screamed and it fell and I accidentally stepped on it. 

Glorious! 

5. Get a lightsaber or a cucumber.

There are often lightsabers littering my front yard. The children leave them about in case of a Jedi emergency. Yesterday, I used my dark side lightsaber to murder 8 adult spotted lantern flies. People watched. No one cheered. They mostly seemed concerned. (AS THEY SHOULD BE SPOTTED LANTERNFLIES ARE EVASIVE SPECIES! WITH NO KNOWN PREDATORS EXCEPT FOR ME, HEATHER AND SOME CHICKENS). 

Today, the lightsabers were mysteriously gone (I suppose they had to fight the Empire) and I grabbed the only thing handy; a cucumber. 

It worked (death toll: 5 by cucumber) but now I am mad that I wasted a cucumber on the spotted lanternflies! That cucumber (RIP) is a hero! 

6. Engage your children in "Spotted Lanternfly Olympics." 

My children have definitely slowed down in the past couple weeks after swimming ended, while they wait for their Fall dance and sports to start up. To keep them jumping and running, I engage them in Spotted Lanternfly Olympics! This is an amazing sport. To play; I point to the adult lantern fly, then using a stick, I nudge it, making it fly away. Then the children chase it, find it and squash it. 

It keeps them entertained for hours! 

Happy hunting! 


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