Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Vague Intense Internet Complaints of the Week (Day 195)

I told Nicholas that I had nothing to write about for my blog tonight and he said:

"THEN YOU DON'T WRITE YOUR BLOG" and began laughing hysterically. 

Because he know that is not an option! I have to write this blog everyday, even when there is nothing in particular I want to write about. Of course, this is not entirely true, there are always things I want to write about but sometimes I cannot because some things are not my stories to tell or the story isn't really anything yet or I know if I write about something it will end badly. 

A little self-censorship is always essential to survival, right?

My social media feeds have been really interesting lately--lots of solid, intense complaining and return complaining about the complaining in the comments. 

I decided I'll write the complaints I've observed, in a vague sort of way and offer the opinion I did not offer on the complaints, because I was too busy popping popcorn and reading posts aloud. 

And look, I will probably offend several people (see item 3). 

Anyway, here are some of my favorite vague, intense complaints from the past week:

1. The "Sexy Time" husband. 

In one of my groups, a woman posted about her husband demanding "sexy time." I could not read the whole post, because I could not get past the phrase "sexy time." Some commenters read the whole post and concluded that the original poster needed to start hiding money and consulting a divorce attorney. 

At first I thought this seemed extreme, but then I said "Sexy Time" out loud. 

I think she should go into witness protection. (note: the post has been deleted! She's totally got a new identity!) 

2. Help me name my baby. 

In another group, a woman posted a picture of her newborn baby and with some text that provided bulleted details of her life (age, occupation, hobbies, etc.). I thought she was asking us to name her baby and felt so honored! 

When, in fact, she was asking us to help her with a Peloton leaderboard name. 

My name choice was "Stewie," based on her occupation and her love of dogs. (My best friend has a dog named Stewie.)

She did not select this for her leaderboard name but, I am pretty sure she is reconsidering naming her baby for her dead grandfather, who is not named Stewie.

3. Penis Cheeks. 

Okay, this post was a serious (and surprisingly rational) post about a required reading book for incoming freshman at our town high school. The poster shared an excerpt from the book which included something about wishing someone's cheek was a penis. 

I really have no words, besides "Penis Cheeks." 

(Sorry. I CANNOT STOP SAYING THAT PHRASE IN RAPID SUCCESSION LIKE I AM IN 5TH GRADE. I don't even know what it means or what the book is about or why in the world this is something someone would specifically wish for. It is disturbing!) 

4. The Target Violinist (AKA The Milli Vanilli Violinist) 

I am at our town Target every single day. Sometimes twice (or three times) in a day. We always need things. And there is a Starbucks inside, which always needs to me to swing in for a venti iced non-fat latte. Apparently, there has been a violist outside playing for donations for something or other (food? a bus ticket?). AND apparently, he was so good at playing that everyone has begun speculating that he is doing the equivalent of lip synching but with a violin. This is a hot topic and apparently either amazing or amazingly disgusting and requires law enforcement and maybe a mob with torches (Home Depot is sold out of tiki torches btw, so good luck with that!) to be run out of town. 

But either way, WHY HAVEN'T I, TARGET CUSTOMER OF THE YEAR, SEEN HIM?

I think it is a hoax! #FakeNews!

I'll have to go back several times a day to investigate! 

5. Pool Day Passes. 

Apparently, our town pool is going to limit the number of pool day passes sold each day. Or maybe each day they will limit pool day passes sold. Or maybe, the selling of pool day passes each day will be limited. While each of these statements essentially mean the same thing, everyone is confused. This post has approximately 4, 575 comments (which is the total number of households in our town). Those who are not confused are shaming the confused. Of course, everyone is missing the important issue at hand:

WHO WILL CLEAN THE POOL BATHROOM?

I need the bathrooms cleaned, so I don't have to wear my rain boots to use the facilities. Who is going to do that? The Target Violinist? 


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