Saturday, July 17, 2021

It's not the heat, it's the humidity (Day 199)

As everyone knows, July and August in New Jersey can be a tad bit uncomfortable. The temperature today is approximately 115 degrees and the humidity is at 707% (exact reading that I took using my hair). 

It is a day for indoor activities, right? I mean unless you happen to be already on the beach and literally just rolled out of your bed into your beach cabana and have several butlers to fan you. 

I spent approximately 5 hours outside this morning for a swim meet. I never once had a desire to go swimming because I was already swimming in my own sweat and exotic swamp air blowing and condensing off of the adjacent lake. I mostly wanted the following things:

1. To get locked in a walk-in freezer like on the Brady Bunch. 

2. To stand in front of the air conditioning (hospital grade) and shiver uncontrollably.

3. To sit in an ice bath like they do in the Olympic Village.

And summer is my favorite season! Imagine how my half-Russian husband feels! His DNA must think he is being boiled. 

And as everyone knows, it is not the heat, it is the humidity that does us in every time. 

In addition to the swim meet, I have my daily sojourns to my front and side yard gardens. And while I normally enjoy discovering all the things that seem to magically grow overnight, today I felt angry at my plants for appearing to actually enjoy the humidity. 

I MEAN I GAVE THEM LIFE!

Like I said, today is a day for indoor activities! Here are my favorite ways to hide from the humidity, inside:

1. Binge on old reality shows and judge the contestants. 

We watched a few episodes of Season 780 of Project Runway from 2019 (pre-pandemic when they thought the future would mostly include space, not masks and hazmat suits). One woman was so overwhelmed by the hard work that she lost feeling in her legs and had to take a day. 

THIS IS ME EVERYDAY! I haven't felt my legs since 2006, but I walk anyway! Seriously, major loser alert. 

2. Say "Just a Minute" 747 times.

When we are trapped indoors, like there is a July blizzard of humidity and oven heat, my children like to play (and cheat) at games. I do enjoy my children, but it is hard not to yell at someone who is obviously moving two directions with their un-Kinged checker. (I am sure this is technical word for an un-Kinged checker.). So, the best thing I can do is avoid playing these games until absolutely necessary. So, I just keep shouting "JUST A MINUTE" over and over again. 

Of course, if the children return the favor, they have to go in time out. 

3. Nap in Public Spaces.

I have recently begun liking a nap, but only when I nap in my bed not in the public spaces of my home. But on hot days, I will pass out wherever I am. I just briefly napped on the kitchen island (the Quartzite is super cold by the way!). Later I might nap on the stairs. 

4. Convince my husband to make frozen drinks.

Okay, it was actually his idea to make frozen drinks. But sometimes he gets ideas, announces he is doing them and then changes his mind without any discussion. So, when it comes to frozen drinks I have to be a cheerleader and reminder! We will not survive 707% humidity without Pina Coladas! 

5. Plan elaborate meals that heat up the kitchen and no one eats. 

I do love to cook and with the random bits from the garden, it is super fun to create complicated, elaborate meals. Tonight: Ranch marinated chicken, au gratin potatoes (with green onion from my garden), corn (from the roadside, which reminds me of that movie in which someone died from roadside blackberries),  and wax beans (from my garden!). No one will eat anything. The kitchen will be 100 degrees, but zero humidity (thanks A/C!). 

And as everyone knows, it's not the heat, it's the humidity. 


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