Friday, July 23, 2021

At the Strip Club (Things Seen in the Radius) (Day 205)

Sometimes I like to pick enticing titles for my blog to suck you in. 

This is not one of those times, I really am going to write about a strip club. 

(Note: My mother does not use what she calls the "WWW" so if you know my mother, DO NOT PRINT THIS OUT AND SEND HER A NOTE THAT SAYS "LOOK WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER WROTE." This has happened before and she still looks at me funny). 

Before I begin writing about a strip club, I want everyone here to know that I've never been to strip club. I hope that I never do go to one. I think they are gross and totally disgusting. And while I may be very progressive in some ways, the idea of strip clubs just makes me feel awful inside. 

But, this blog is not about my high, judgmental morals. It is about the thing I saw on the sign at the strip club and also all the things I saw in the radius this week. 

I know, I am jumping around a lot (like a spotted lantern fly nymph!). 

What's the radius you ask? 

Well, it is this cluster of small, walkable towns (Haddon Township, Haddonfield, Collingswood, Oaklyn, Audubon and all the adjacent) that make up my radius. Since we moved here in 2015, I've grown progressively attached to the radius and really only leave for Wegmans and Nordstrom in Cherry Hill and vacations to places faraway! 

And every week in the radius is an exciting one! Sometimes, I feel like I live in Llanview or Port Charles or Pine Valley or Stars Hollow (if you've never heard of these places, Google them!).

So, here are the three most exciting things I've seen in the radius and radius adjacent areas this week:

1. The Strip Club Book Signing (Radius adjacent, so everyone relax, our property values are still inflated!)

Unfortunately, I drive by Cheerleaders several times a week. I don't think Cheerleaders has anything to do with actual cheerleading but I do tell my children it is a Cheerleading Academy, when they ask. . 

I've partially convinced myself it is, indeed, a cheerleading academy. 

ANYWAY. . . yesterday on the sign is said "Book Signing with Brittany, 8pm."

And let me tell you, I became very jealous! 

NOW STRIPPERS HAVE BOOKS?!! What about me?

I told my friends this story and they seemed proud of the mysterious stripper author "Brittany," which made me angrier. I think I specifically said: "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE."

They ignored me and continued talking about whatever it was you talk about after two bottles of wine and a porterhouse steak, while I sulked. 

And truthfully, I've been semi-sulking for a day and until about 5 minutes ago, dreaming of ruining the mysterious stripper author Brittany's life. Now, I am obsessed with finding Brittany and her book. There are a lot of cheerleaders and strippers named Brittany! It is like a needle in a haystack! 

2. The Pool Baby (In the Radius)

At our town pool, there has been an undressed baby (doll) moving around the pool entrance for a week or so. It is extremely creepy; but all the children love it. By love it, I mean, they like to do the following:

  • Kick the baby (doll) and giggle.
  • Kick the baby (doll) and scream.
  • Cry when the baby goes missing.
  • Play "Where is the Baby" after swim practice. 
  • Delight in glee when the baby (doll) is on the roof of the pool pavilion.  
  • Convince other children the baby (doll) is possessed.
  • Throw the baby (doll) to the geese. 
We've been tracking the baby (doll) movements all week. 

Today, the baby (doll) made its way to the sign in table at the pool (note: we are known as "The Smiths," telephone number 911, pool tag numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 at the pool). 

But, even more shocking, the baby (doll) has been a friend (or maybe a rival?). There is a new pink baby (doll) on the roof of the pavilion, just waiting for its time being kicked, tricked and given a lot of attention!

3. Adult Spotted Lantern Flies (EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME GOD HELP US)

Well, those pesky little spotted lantern fly nymphs are growing up and becoming the most enormous horrendous spotted lantern fly moths I have ever seen. I've been religiously murdering the nymphs by drowning them in soapy water or squashing them with a boot/high quality flip flop. 

But, some nymphs have escaped me and now, there are grown-ups, who appear to be slow and stupid, but they are the ones who lay eggs and make this whole ridiculous, invasive attack possible.

So all variations of spotted lantern flies must die! I've been squashing the adults with anything I can find and yesterday, in a moment of pure primal rage, I used my barehands. 

I could pretend I am not proud, but that would be a lie. I am very proud! I am a warrior! 

My friend has a salt gun and sits on her back porch hunting them like we are living out some sort of Walking Dead/Deliverance/Old Testament apocalypse. She sends me videos--and I think Heather could become a YouTube sensation! 

Or maybe even an author like Brittany! Or a a celebrity like pool baby (doll)! I mean really, the sky is the limit! 

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