I have a tan line situation.
And it is so horrifying, I am not even sure why I am writing about it. However, it’s been weighing on the vainest part of me and I am truly not sure what to do about it.
I cannot even show a picture of the tan line situation, because doing so would require taking a photo of my crotch (I cannot believe I used this word!) and I am pretty sure my minister is a blog subscriber and the other one reads it and the retired one might as well, along with several deacons and elders and other distinguished Presbyterians. Oh and work colleagues! And bosses and clients, they also might read. And my husband’s grandmother! (My mother, of course, does not read it.)
However, I have just used the word crotch and now you are all going to think of crotches, so I am just going to keep going and dive right in to discuss the tan line situation.
It is actually two tan lines, one across each thigh, as a result of our kayaking to the actual Atlantic Ocean and back. Below the line, my legs have turned their normal tan-adjacent color of summer. Above the line, well it is all deepest shade of pale December.
The visual effect is jarring.
The kayaking waiver listed drowning, “lost at sea” situations, capsizing, concussion via oar/paddle and shell fish mating ground stranding as possible risks of kayaking. THEY NEVER MENTIONED THE TAN LINES.
Anyway, today at pool, I think everyone was looking right at it, because how could you not? Chloe suggested “it’s not that bad (giggle, giggle)” and then suggested I walk behind her while placing my hands on my legs.
So it is THAT BAD.
My strategy was to risk skin cancer and thigh wrinkles (terrifying) to tan the upper part of my legs. However, I am not convinced it worked as the lower part is getting tanner and the upper part is still stuck in December!
One friend told me that she had a similar situation on her arms from an EXTREME fishing excursion. She said the lines lasted YEARS! YEARS!
It only took a day to get into this and now I am trapped! I even wore sunscreen!!!! And a hat!!!!
Anyway, everyone was looking at my lines today; probably trying to figure out if I was wearing beige spandex under my bathing suit.
I wasn’t! But I might have to wear pants to the pool! Or a wet suit!
Tomorrow, I have a new strategy which combines the efficiency of hiding from the cleaning ladies while also on work calls and tanning/wrinkling/mutating my skin cells sitting in my backyard. I might use foil.
I also have a less risky plan which involves self tanner and aggressive exfoliating. But then again this could turn disastrous (and orange).
I could also go into hiding.
I’ll keep you posted!!! And please, keep your eyes on my face! Or my feet!