Surrendering to the flow (Day 170)

 It's just been 14 days since Lily's shunt failure. I feel like a bit of a weakling harping on it. I don't think I harped or wrote this much about her initial diagnosis. Of course, I wasn't writing everyday then. And I wasn't where I am right now; I wasn't this version of myself. 

So, it's different. 

All week, I've been trying to dig into my daily meditation. I would not say I have been overwhelming successful--one night I simply fell asleep. Another night, I could not make it through the entire 5 minutes and decide to go switch the laundry for minutes 3-5. But, I keep trying. I think life is really a whole lot of "keep trying" moments. 

Tonight, the meditation I found was a a relaxing meditation and I totally thought I'd fall right to sleep, again (fully clothed, sitting in a chair like someone stranded at a bus station).

I am exhausted. This week happens to be the week after the week directly after Lily's emergency surgery and the week before our vacation. If you find that last sentence hard to follow, let me translate: 

I was crap at life for one week and then needed to be double extra good at it, in order to take a week's vacation. 

All week I doubled down on work. My lists were endless and organized. I never got to the list that has  paying for and organizing all the summer camps and lessons on it  (maybe tomorrow or maybe we will just sit around eating popsicles and watching Brady Bunch reruns). I got a lot done. There are still a few things I'd like to wrap up before I jet off with my family. But, as I was working through everything today, I began growing frustrated waiting for call backs and at the slowness of my computer and the slowest of my words and just at my family for needing and interrupting. 

I was really freaking out. 

But, then it all got done, minus a couple tiny things, and it always all gets done one way or another. I am left wondering, would it have still gotten done if I hadn't been godzilla yelling and stomping?

Yes, of course. 

So, my relaxing meditation tonight had us repeating a mantra "I surrender to the flow," at least 40 times. 

I kept repeating it and suddenly the once unbearable, sleep inducing 5 minutes was up and I was disappointed. I wanted to surrender to the flow indefinitely. But, of course, I have this obligation of mine: write everyday here. It was another night in which I had no idea what I was going to write. Should I review a book? Write something funny about the last day of school? Write an ode to summer?

Tonight, I thought, heck, why don't I surrender to the flow a bit and see what words come out on the page. After all, this one year of blogging experiment was all about NOT proof reading, NOT pre-planning and I guess, inadvertently, surrendering to the flow. 

So that's what I did tonight. I surrendered. And I am going to try to keep surrendering tomorrow at the early morning swim meet, while I am packing and while I am doing just those few last things before we leave. No godzilla. Just sweet surrender (and coffee and wine, repeat).