Sunday, June 6, 2021

Not Ducking Okay (Day 157)

The second most infuriating thing in the world is when I am trying to write F&$@ING in a text message and it autocorrects to DUCKING. 

The first most infuriating thing is the word "okay."

For the record, I am not DUCKING okay. I am not sure what I am. But okay will never begin to describe it. I don't even know what okay means. 

I am here. I am functioning. I am washing my daughter's brain surgery incision twice a day, while also performing my own DIY neuro-checks and pretending that I did not sleep on a chair in the PICU in pre-dawn hours on Saturday. 

The shock has tried to leave me, but I did not allow it go. So here I am. I am sad. I am mad--very mad in every sense of the word. I am worried. I am exhausted. I cannot sleep. I cannot stop doing productive things. I am unable to string together normal thoughts. I am not working tomorrow; however I am sure I will fill the day reorganizing something. 

Today we tackled the sock bin, irrationally. The kid who had brain surgery less than 48 hours ago wanted to help. 

I convinced that same kid that maybe she should stay home from school tomorrow to rest. She was resistant. No one wants to rest here. No one wants to be quiet or still or think. No thinking. I agreed that she could help me organize my desk drawers or organize the games in the closet. Something low impact, but highly distracting. 

We are not ducking okay. 

And while I am grateful in all things for my beautiful daughter and for Roald Dahl (who not only wrote James and the Giant Peach, but also was part of the team who pioneered the VP shunt), I am not ducking okay. I am actually not ducking anything, except someone who is trying desperately to live only in the moment and never, ever think of past moments or future moments, because only this moments seems to be, maybe something akin to okay. 

And no, I don't want to talk about it. And no, I don't want any advice on anything. And no, I don't want to talk to a professional. And no, I am not inspired to invent something like Roald Dahl. I don't even feel like writing anymore because it requires a lot of thinking. And I am not ducking okay with thinking. 

And lastly, yes, most of you will not understand and could never imagine and of course have no idea how I do it. I have no idea either. So we are in alignment! 

So that's it folks--this is where I've landed today. I am off to organize my shoes by color, fold more laundry and make a really big to-do list. 



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