Sunday, June 13, 2021

Lack of Coping (Day 164)

I am not coping well with the aftermath of everything that happened a week ago. I really struggle to speak to anyone. I hate this feeling; but I cannot get out of it. And I am not sure why all of this has hit me so hard. 

I am really not fine. I am not even funny anymore. I cannot even laugh at a meme. I dread writing. I am sure as my 37 readers follow along, they will either become depressed, abandon me or try to have me committed or have some sort intervention. 

And I actually cannot think of anything more horrifying than people asking me how I am or staging an intervention. I can imagine, with horror, people hugging me or even worse, praying over me in some sort of insane, misguided prayer circle. 

I just want to be alone and I don't want to talk about any of it. But, I am sure I need to. And I am sure the people who love our family need to as well. But, I can't. 

Lily is awesome. But, this is all hard on her too. She is missing out--no swimming for a while, no intense physical activity, a large shaved patch of hair, a pile of make-up work. Every thing is a minefield--everything is a reminder of it all. 

I dread people asking me about her. Because I can only tell people the surface things--Lily's fine. It's all hard. 

But, of course, I'd be horrified if no one asked me how she was. It is a no-win. 

I was thinking about all the times in my life when I've been forced to make really difficult phone calls or send too serious text messages or find the perfect words to write a social media post or tell my colleagues why I am not at work or why I am at work or why I am completely off. 

It's been a lot. It has truly been too much.

So for now, I am just trying to trudge through my life. I have to work--I have stuff to do and I take my commitments seriously. I have to mother--it is the last week of school and there is stuff to do. And I have a long awaited vacation on the horizon--one I was looking forward to, but now cannot muster up any sort of joy over. 

I just cannot quite find that space of forgiveness and gratitude. And certainly do not tell me to be grateful. That is as horrifying as a prayer circle--I will not receive any emotional orders with grace. I am a firm believer that no one should ever tell anyone to have faith or have gratitude or it could be worse or any of that nonsense. 

And with that, I will simply end this and say, thanks for reading. Thanks for calling (even though I probably won't answer). Thanks for asking (I hate it; but I'd hate it more if you did not). Thanks for keeping your emotional advice to yourself. Thanks for loving us. 



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