Every task I ask my children (who are 15, 12 and 8!) to complete takes 17 hours longer than it should. Yesterday, I asked one to put a water glass in the dishwasher at 7pm. It was 11pm and they finally got around to it after shouting about how they have "too much to do."
When times get tough and stressful, I turn to writing, of course! In that spirit, I have some fabulous ideas for children's books!
My most developed idea is called “In The Drawer Not On The Floor.”
(Don't you love how it rhymes? It even rhymes when you SCREAM IT 47 TIMES A DAY! And the rhyming just help keep my hysteria from reaching its maximum, which is definitely helpful for my blood pressure and my mental health.)
The book would detail how when your mother asks you 700 times to put your laundry away, that means to place it in a drawer or on a hanger and not on the floor.
There would be a special interactive section detailing how a hanger works. My children don’t seem to know the proper way to use hangers—although they have used hangers to lower snacks up and down from the third floor to the second floor and to throw at each other when in a blind rage over candy or YouTube. Although neither of these creative uses is typical; they mostly just leave the hangers on the floor as indoor stepping stones or elevated platforms for the clothing they throw on the floor, not in the drawer.
I have a few other ideas for children’s books including:
“Doors are not toys”
“The yard is not a trash can”
“Close the freezer”
“Lift the lid to urinate” (for boys)
“This is how you flush the toilet”
“Stop drinking all the seltzer” (with an adult companion version for those who may be functioning alcoholics)
“No you cannot have anymore money”
“Where is the iPad”
“Give me the iPad” (The sequel to “Where is the iPad”)
“I don’t believe a word you say.”
“This is not a bar fight!”
“Snitches do not get Stitches!”
“Who Made You Like This? (NOT GOD!)" (A Christian Book)
“Because I said so”
“Hide your toiletries!” (A book of tips for parents with children who are still making slime)
“No shoes in the effin’ house” (A Golden Book of Manners)
“LILY MARGARET CHLOE ISABEL NICHOLAS HUNTER WHAT DID YOU DO” (The Adkins siblings, Book 1)
“Just look at the camera!” (The Adkins Siblings Book 2)
"Can you please just act like a person?" (The Adkins Siblings Book 3)
“Stop eating candy!” (The Adkins Siblings Book 4)
"Why are you so mean?" (The Adkins Siblings Book 5)
"I love you, even though you used the scissors to cut open the recliner and hide candy wrappers inside of it" (A Book of Extreme Forgiveness)
And my perennial favorite:
“If you don’t stop arguing, I am going to have you arrested” (A book of unrealistic threats)
I have threatened to have my children arrested at least 78 times in 2021 alone. I am not sure how I would have them arrested—like would I have to frame them for a crime? Once they are arrested, would there be an investigation? A trial with jury selection? Would I have to pay for a lawyer? Would I get my summer camp money refunded if they were in jail? Do I think the other inmates could survive my children? It's simply too hard to follow through on this one; but I cannot stop saying it because it WORKS!
The children seem to take this one to heart. Which, of course, makes me wonder what have they done that is a felony offense? Why do they believe they could be arrested? Should I just hire a lawyer now in case? Should I be scared of them? Are they part of a crime syndicate? ARE THEY LEADING A CRIME SYNDICATE? HOW DO THEY AFFORD ALL THAT CANDY ANYWAY?
And of course, that is another children’s book to add to my list:
“OMG What Have You Done?”
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