Friday, May 14, 2021

Third Times Better Than the First Two (Day 134)

I wrote two other Yoke's tonight and decided I could not publish them. 

I feel like I broke some sort of rule in doing this--my no editing, just sit down and write rule. But the previous two Yokes were both written under a certain level of duress. 

The first, was after a late (8 am) start to my day and my son's dentist appointment. I was, as per most interactions with teachers and medical professionals, given the mom-shame list of things to do better. (This time, be sure to floss with my son several times a day. He is 8. I had no idea I was his personal flosser.). In general, Fridays are not "Fri-Yays."  I always seem to have a pile of things left and then there is often some sort of Friday fire that must be put out because, what if Monday never comes? Monday always comes; but then it is Fire Fridays again. 

The cycle is a bit maddening.

The second was after a long bout of hysteria that began because I asked my daughters to pick up trash on their floor, like literal piles of trash. One did it like that she was being punished and really did not do it well. The other screamed the word No approximately 57 times, sobbed, screamed, hurled insults like she was possessed. 

This is another cycle that is a bit maddening.

Anyway, now it is 10:06pm, the trash has been picked up ( I had to help.). Their room is still a pit, but more of a hoarder pit versus a garbage pit. So, that's progress, I guess. 

But, I am just unsettled and not calm. I sort of want to sob, but I am not even sure what I am sobbing about. Am I sobbing about the dentist? That seems completely dramatic. Work stress? Well, my Friday pile is my own doing and the Friday Fires, well, I am blessed that people think me competent enough to support fire extinguishing. The tantrum and messy room? Well, that is a constant in this mad house. Heck, my bedroom is messy, too.  

I think I kind of hate everything in this moment. Except for the sweet faces of my now calm children. I am glad they can know that no matter how horribly they behave here, I will always want to hug them good night. They know that no matter what I will love them and like them and know them. 

And, I am still not happy with this third try blog. I sort of want to delete this one, too. But then I'll be left with my third blank page and I don't think I can take that. I think what I need to do, is remind myself that no matter how many tantrum blogs I write, I will still love and like and know myself. 



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