WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING THAT I CANNOT HAVE 5 MINUTES TO WRITE A SIMPLE BLOG?!
Moments ago I bellowed this to two of my three children and the dog. My husband and the third child are not home yet, so I am sure the moment they walk in the door, I will be bellowing again.
Full disclosure, I am sitting at the dining room table, which is in a central location. However, if I was not writing my blog and say just sitting here staring at a wall, no one would need or want anything. They might go hours without speaking to me.
But, once they hear my fingers tap the keys, here the following things that happen (typed in almost real time):
1. The dog tries to escape the fence.
2. One child screams hysterically over escape attempt.
3. There is a collective, loud sigh of relief when the dog's escape is thwarted. He is now hungry and barking.
4. Everyone ignores the barking. I have to scream GET YOUR DOG FOOD.
5. Then apparently, it is hot chocolate buffet night and there are lots of questions about hot chocolate. (Note: IT IS MAY! IT IS NOT EVEN HOT CHOCOLATE SEASON).
6. Sensing we were distracted, the dog now goes to front enclosed porch to escape. The other child begins screaming at the dog as if they understand complex English. "YOUR ESCAPING THE FRONT ENCLOSED PORCH IS VERY STRESSFUL AND I THINK YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER YOUR ACTIONS AND MAKE BETTER CHOICES HENRY."
7. Henry does not make better choices. So I have to drag him off porch. He still has not been fed, so clearly is trying to escape to find a meal.
8. A fight over games erupts. Apparently board versus cards is a very serious argument. Someone throws the cards. I throw the game board. The children return to the hot chocolate buffet.
9. The dog is now eating the trash. I allow it. At least he will eat all the trash he spills off the floor and clean up after himself.
10. I shout again, "I JUST NEED 5 MINUTES." They begin fighting over which type of foam/steamed milk they want latte or cappuccino. Note to self: MY CHILDREN HAVE VERY ODD PROBLEMS FOR CHILDREN.
11. I decide to experiment with staring at a blank wall. I do it for 4 minutes. I nearly fall asleep, no one says Mommy.
12. I begin typing and make it to item 5 and then I hear, ironically and thematically "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" followed by 5 pokes on shoulders.
13. The teenager returns home and does not care that I am typing. My husband also returns and says "Is something wrong? Is everything okay?" I don't answer, because I've made it to item 7.
14. Instructions for the card game are missing. There is a moment of silent but terrifying tension.
15. I accelerate and make it to item 10! I notice my husband is getting a beer. Where is my wine? Wine will make me type faster.
16. The teenager is announcing the weather from the powder room. I think about going upstairs to write alone, but I am now at item 14!
17. There is whining over something. The dog seems to be eating a crayon or a pencil. With luck, the cat will appear and urinate somewhere to spite me. However, she is afraid of whining.
18. The teenager is being bullied into playing the card game and everyone is shouting about taco cards. BTW, I had a fabulous taco for lunch.
19. I realized now, at item 19, I am writing with the pace of my blog and I really wanted to get to 20. But, I am suddenly filled with the uncontrollable desire to light a candle. I resist.
20. I stop resisting. I sit here for 5 minutes and stare at candle. No one speaks. This is like a magic power--all I have to do is nothing and it is like I am invisible. I wonder if I can figure out how to write using telepathy? However, I also wonder if my children can read my mind (probably), so there is no solution. . .because once they hear the fingers tap the keys. . . .well you can read this again and again and again. It is always the same.