Monday, May 17, 2021

If You Need Me (Day 137)

Lately everyday seems hard. 

It is not that I am unhappy or my life is miserable, its just that there is always work to do, there is always something I forgot or something that is leaving me unsatisfied or feeling like there is a hang nail that requires my immediate attention; but at the same time, over in that corner there is another emergency. And then of course, there is something that I am missing out on and I am not sure what it is, but I know it is something. 

I think once life stops being this way, life simply stops. However, this state of mind of having so much unfinished or in progress makes it hard to sleep sometimes and other times impossible to not sleep. If I am sleeping, I can avoid worry. If I am awake, I can avoid the unproductiveness of sleep. 

My current state of mind is one that happens to me quite predictably. It happens after a time period of high stress and activity, of hitting targets and accomplishing things and of high creative output.  It is almost as if after I've expended all this mental energy, I am left with just fumes in the tank and wondering, how long can I run on fumes? All my adrenaline drops and I am left feeling all the discomfort I should have felt when I was in the high activity time. 

Yesterday, even though I wrote here, I feel like I really writing anything of note. And now today, I spent the entire day dreading having to write this. I wandered the halls of my house a lot today. I accomplished very little--at least by my standards. And I feel so unsettled and so unsatisfied and so unconnected to whatever words need to come out next. 

The writing goals I shared last week feel like they were written by another person. 


But, alas, they were written by this person here, apparently. 

It is almost as if I am a runaway train car that was disconnected from the rest of the train--I went the whole journey with my train and pushed through and then, quite unpredictably, I picked up my cadence and got out of synch. Now, it is like I am a lone train car, off its tracks, that has stopped in a ditch. 

When I am unmotivated and untethered like this, I really don't know how to reconnect. It always works out somehow; but I don't have to avoid getting here in the first place. I don't know if this is actually a bad place to be. I tend to believe we are always were we belong in the moment and we have to try to really be in that place to understand. 

For this week and until whatever this is passes; I think I am going to honor myself and stay in this place--this place where I am parked alone and just waiting for the momentum to move me. It is a time of introversion, but it feels good right now to even declare it. 

I think I just need to stop in order to stay still me. So, ff you need me, I'll be here spinning inward, in my hideaway, in the stillness of my perfect mess focusing all about me and just trying to figure out what's next, before I drive myself crazy on the island I created for myself. 








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