Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Things I Am Allergic To (Day 117)

Today was not a particularly bad or stressful day; in fact I've been functioning at what feels like a high level this week (Although I did think it was Wednesday). But, I am absolutely fried tonight. Fried from screens and talking and voices and I hate to say this, maybe, writing?

Exhibit A. 

OKAY, I am not actually fried from writing. I thought I was. I thought I had no gas left in the tank. I feared I'd never write something poignant or something so freaking funny you'd laugh out loud for real. And while I distracted myself by taking selfies with my eyes closed laying in bed (See exhibit A) and thinking, "Wow that selfie looks like I took a picture of a corpse with an okay embalming job done." I realized what my problem was:

seasonal allergies! (and that I need fillers for my forehead. One could store a dime in those crevices.)

Now, I normally do not admit to having seasonal allergies because I hate to admit physical weakness. I mean I know people cannot help their seasonal allergies, like it isn't their fault and I don't think people with allergies are weak. I just don't like to be the one with any physical problems. It's my ego. 

Anyway, I guess I am allergic to pollen. My eyes itch and I am all heady. It is almost as annoying as the other 10 things I am allergic to--things that you cannot get a test for at your doctor's office, including:

1. Taking out the trash in the dark (Allergic Reaction: Terror). When night falls and there is trash to go to the trash can, you won't see me doing it unless there is like a dead animal in the kitchen trash can and I have to remove it. I am terrified of the dark, dark side yard and the scary trash cans where night creatures hang out. I also think bats are always swooping over head! 

2. Despair (Allergic Reaction: Dirty Looks). Look, we all have friends who from time to time become a bit like Eeyore and live in the land of hopelessness and despair. And while, my heart goes out to them, I hate visiting that land, I hate hearing about that land and it makes me sneeze. 

3. Weird Chicken (Allergic Reaction: Gagging). If you don't know what weird chicken is, you should skip ahead to item 4, because the following will ruin your life. Weird chicken is the chicken that is grizzly or irregular or chewy when it should be tender. Weird chicken can ruin a meal and cause immediate and intermittent gagging that lasts into the night. I hate weird chicken. 

4. Slow talking (Allergic Reaction: Screaming). I cannot handle slow talking and it's cousin long-winded story telling. Listen GET TO THE POINT or making getting TO THE POINT amusing. Life is short! I don't want to die of a slow talking allergy. 

5. People who say they are busy (Allergic Reaction: Eye Rolling). This is like announcing "I am a human"  over and over again. WE ARE ALL BUSY. Stop humble bragging, you are too busy for that! 

6. Lackluster listening skills (Allergic Reaction: Exasperated Sighing).  Look, if you are over the age of 21, I expect you to listen to me when we are having a conversation. I don't require you to remember the conversation, but if you are taking the time to chat with me, I would assume you'd want to listen to me? Please do not respond with unrelated things. Like if I say, "I think we should have a salad for dinner," do not respond with "Wow, it would be nice to go for a run." BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID AT ALL. 

7. Shouting from Room to Room (Allergic Reaction: Headache).  Okay, I am happy to bellow my children's names or like I did moments ago, an urgent question about the dog "WHAT IS HE EATING?" but I do not like to be spoken to in a shouting voice from another room or floor with walls in between. It is both inefficient and very aggressive. I am the only one allowed to do it. When my family does it, I feel hives coming on! 

8. An RSVP of Maybe (Allergic Reaction: Mental Confusion). I am sure I am guilty of this one, maybe. BUT I HATE MAYBE as an RSVP. You are either in or you are out. You don't have to respond right away. Maybe is a given before you say yes or no. But actively selecting maybe leads me to believe you are going to wait and see what else pops up! 

9. Good Will Hunting (Allergic Reaction: Instant Fatigue). I will never watch this movie. 

10. The Velveteen Rabbit (Allergic Reaction: Suspicion of Authority Figures) . I am still upset they suggested burning a stuffed animal they could have been washed and no, I will not keep reading to understand that everything works out. It is a horrible book. 


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