I woke up today (several times, because of the night terror my child had while tent camping in our yard, then the night terror I had--anyone know my 7th grade locker combination?, moon-rise crew practice, and my morning nap) feeling disconnected.
This feeling of disconnection is like being a witness to the things happening around you. It does not happen much to me; but when it does I literally feel like a ghost no one can hear, like a bystander trapped on another plane.
I know part of my disconnection came from my exhaustion and sleep disruption. But, I really started to feel disconnected the day before--like a guest in my own yard at an event I was hosting. I am not sure what's going on with me beyond exhaustion--but perhaps it is the change of seasons. Spring is a season that one day believes it to be summer and the very next day is firmly winter. It is a hard season to navigate--do you wear a sweater or a t-shirt? Will you need sunscreen or an umbrella? It is like you have to carry all the baggage left over from Winter plus the new stuff from Spring.
It's exhausting and heavy.
I like a season that knows who it is. Like winter and summer. Spring and Fall are constantly in the midst of epic identity crises and those seasons for me represent a points of disconnection from being present.
That's what disconnection is--it is a lack of presence mixed with an identity crisis.
I hate being present somewhere other than the present, you know? It's frustrating. And it's frustrating to wake up and not be sure who I am. What sort of mother am I? What sort of wife? What sort of writer? What sort of professional? Who am I? And what will I do with the rest of my life?
Okay, I am getting very, very, very dramatic. This is the part that if I was in a musical, I'd connect with the audience by singing a very loud and emotional song about being disconnected and how I just want to feel like a part of something. Lucky for you, I will absolutely not sing or dance. But I will say, I bet some of you feel disconnected, too. Whether it is the pandemic, the season, your exhausting life or for whatever reason feeling invisible, you may feel the exact same way now or some other time.
Perhaps, our points of disconnection somehow align us, and reconnect us in a whole new way--the way Spring disconnects from Winter and finally turns in Summer and then Fall disconnects from Summer and turns in Winter. Perhaps we all need these strange, unexplained moments when we are not in alignment with the present, so we can take a deep breath and somehow sprint ahead, catching-up to the present moment, a little breathless, but firmly and completely connected.