Friday, March 19, 2021

The middle few miles (Day 78)

Every 5 or 6 days, writing here feels like the middle miles of a run. It is not like the beginning, when I am all pumped and internally shouting: "LET'S MAKE THIS THE BEST RUN EVER." Or the end, when I am all pumped because it seems like I haven't died (OMG IS THIS A DREAM? AM I ACTUALLY ALIVE). 

It feels like the middle, when the following thoughts go through my head:

1. WHY DID I EVER START THIS NONSENSE?
2. It is now the same distance to the start as it is to the finish, so basically my only option is to die here. 
3. Is there a short cut?
4. Can someone just come pick me up?
5. I am going to walk. 
6. Maybe I'll try to run really fast and pretend this isn't happening. 

Thought #6 is usually where I land and this usually ends in me twisting my ankle, because instead of doing my best, I am doing my fastest, which then means I simply do my sloppiest. 

And, as I've mentioned before, I do have a bad ankle, which is clearly the result of #6. 

Anyway, doing anything really fast and pretending it isn't happening is absolutely not the best solution to an endurance dilemma. And this "write every single day in Yoke" is one-percent an endurance dilemma. And while technically half-way through the year is sometime in June; many days feel like the middle of this writing commitment. In this writing middle, the following thoughts go through my head:

1. OMG WHAT CAN I WRITE ABOUT?
2. Seriously, what can I write about?
3. I'll write later. 
4. What if I don't write later, I'll write right now. 
5. I have nothing to write about. 
6. Has anyone died? Are there any current events to write about?
7. Should I write a list of things I like again? things I hate?
8. I cannot write about THAT, even though THAT is marvelous. 
9. I'll just write really fast. 
10. What if I quit?

Once I get to #9 and attempt to write really fast, I usually end up with 17 false starts--the writers equivalent of repeatedly twisting ones ankle. 

Then when I get to #10, I realize that answer to "What if I quit?" is nothing happens. But then again, everything happens. If I quit, then I cheat myself of building the endurance that comes pushing through it and reaching the finish line. 

Today is one of those middle days. I know there will be more middle days. But, at least I got through this one. 

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