Friday, March 5, 2021

Bad Pandemic Days (Day 64)

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I am prone to advanced, full blown rages that go away as quickly as they came because I am distracted by something new that sparks my (positive or negative) passion. 

Something made me angry today, well several somethings and frankly it does not matter what those somethings are (a girl has to keep some things a mystery, doesn't she?), but what does matter is that I cannot get my head out of all the injustices of my day. 

And I don't even know if the injustices are big or small, time will tell, but to me they are injustices all the same. 

Anyway, I don't want to do anything except wallow in my rage. And I am so flipping mad that I don't even want to talk about what's making me angry. But, I don't want to do anything either. The act of typing letters on my laptop key board is making me angrier, frankly. 

I am in the full-blown list making/multiple thorns in my side stage of anger. 

(And if you are reading this and think you made me angry, well, I don't know MAYBE YOU DID. I mean, I am kidding, or am I?). 

As I write this, I do realize I sound like some scorned woman performing a monologue on Broadway (can you believe how long its been since there has been live theater with people inside the theater watching?). I am feeling quite scorned on many fronts. I think this might be the rage stage of pandemic fatigue, maybe?

While I am on this rage roll, I will tell you that I am just so sick and tired of the constant change the pandemic brings and the demanded and impossible flexibility of it all. We are forced to live in this very abnormal world, but expected to behave normally. The world keeps spinning even when we are trapped in our zip codes, masked and without any idea what we would possibly do even if we had a chance. I can say I'd love to go to the theater--but would I? What I really want is to go back to 2019; and go to the theater then. 

I don't know if I want to go to the theater in 2021.

I call these "bad pandemic days," the days when I so desperately crave the past; but cannot stomach replicating it with the required modifications. It feels like if you can't do it right, just don't do it all. 

And I KNOW, I KNOW, this is not a flexibility, pandemic pivot-person way to think or live. I know this is so exhaustingly negative. BUT today, this Friday, the prospect of another weekend off, with just housework? yard work? Netflix?, is really oppressive. And I don't even know what I would do or want to do or if I even want to do something. 

My head and attitude is all mixed up in rage and pandemic and some strange instinctual drive to turn back time. 

So anyway, TGIF. I hope you enjoyed this very, very, very uplifting inspirational Yoke tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better or maybe my rage will get funny or maybe I'll learn something incredibly motivational or life altering. For now, I'll go work-out, drink some wine and discuss some things and just hope that somehow I can return to being an optimistic, pivoting pandemic person, again. 



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