Friday, February 12, 2021

I Really Don't Feel Like Doing This Everyday (Day 43)

I really do not feel like writing tonight. In fact every night this week I've felt the same way--uninspired, annoyed, bleary eyed and out of focus. But somehow, I made it to Day 43 and I haven't missed one day yet. 

And I don't plan to start now. So, hold onto your hats for a substandard blog post about why I don't feel like doing the very thing I am doing right this moment.


This daily act of writing brings with it a few hiccups--one is a professional side effect of wanting to plan my daily posts. I keep almost writing down an editorial calendar for Yoke. I am so tempted to revive my blog Facebook page. I started thinking about how to make my blog images more Instagramable (because you KNOW the world needs another white lady peddling her life style on IG). And I am so tempted to try to make my posts more shared and more widely read. 

BUT, all of this will get in the way of my main goal: to write in Yoke every single day this year and not overthink it. The purpose of this exercise is to strengthen my writing muscle. The purpose is not to become a famous thought-leader in the space of cataract surgery, inflatable sharks, off-color theology and prayers with curse words included.

I've got to keep my eye on the prize. 

Anyway, all this whining about how I don't want to write, reminds me of all the other things I don't feel like doing. It's a big list, so I am not going to cover it all today. (I am not an open book, I like to leave the book only partially open with some pages missing.) One thing I don't feel like doing, which is an everyday commitment for like 40 days (not including Sundays, so really 46 days) is Lent.

I cannot stand the season of Lent. 

Maybe I am alone is this disdain--there are plenty of my Jesus loving pals who love the introspective time that Lent is and seem to rise to the challenge of "giving something up." While fish on Fridays and making a 40 day sacrifice are not largely focused in my Presbyterian tradition, Lent is a time of inward focus on that journey to the very apex of my Christian faith--to the cross. 

I bet Jesus was not like totally digging the walk to the cross either. 

Anyway, I find this season hard. There is a lot of pressure. Even in pre-COVID times, I struggled to pull myself together to go to a weekly Bible study. Even when I barely billed an hour a week, I always felt too busy to do it. And I want to do it right. I want to meditate with Thomas Merton. I want to give up something to make room for God. I want to pray every night, instead of finding scraps of stolen moments to chitchat with God about nonsense. But then again, I really don't feel like it. 

But, like my daily writing goal, the daily goal of drawing closer to God is about exercise. It is not about planning or daily targets or structured prayers. I mean it can be. But for someone like me who flits from whim to whim like a hummingbird, I've got to keep my focus simple and just show up everyday. 

I really don't always feel like showing up. As I write this, I keep thinking of something I wrote earlier in the week about the desert. It was after Jesus' 40 days and nights in the desert--the very inspiration for Lent--it was when he left the desert that he was tempted. 

It is hard to show up when I am not in a church or at a Bible study. It is hard to show up just because my presence is requested. Its hard to write everyday, but made easier because there is a public forum (with an average 19 dedicate readers daily!) to which I am holding myself accountable. 

Leaving the desert is hard. 

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