Besides everything, the 5 things that distract me while meditating. (Day 59)

I've been keeping up with my daily meditation practice--and sometimes it goes really well. I've mostly only meditated for 5 minutes--which seems a bit short for someone who used to teach yoga and meditation. But, I am out of practice. In March, I want to up my daily average to 10 minutes and sprinkle some longer meditations into my practice. 

One of my favorite meditation accessories (because everything must have accessories!) is my buckwheat filled meditation cushion. I've had it forever and ever. I've developed a weird habit of not being able to meditate unless I have my cushion. When I don't have my cushion, it is like instant distraction. 

I mean, if I am being honest (and you know honesty is my middle name except when I am lying!), everything distracts me when I am meditating. The distraction level has gotten worst, which is why I think I need to mix things up a bit. 

Also, I think it is cathartic to get things out--it clears the way for those distractions to cease being powerful and frees up your mind to be focused on other distractions on meditation. 

So, here are the 5 things that distract me while meditating:

1.  Concern that I have double chins.

Look, I am vain and I am TERRIFIED of developing jowls. It is probably already too late. Anyway, when my eyes are closed and I am making a peaceful meditative face, I am very concerned that all that relaxation and peace in my face translates into me becoming slack jawed and slack jowled. I imagine when I am at peace, I look like a bulldog. This is terrifying and I am often powerless at prohibiting this vanity from ruining 5 minutes of blissful focus. Instead, I become focused on how tense I can make my face in order to avoid the bulldog look. 

Maybe this is a certain type of tough love meditation. I might be onto to something! 

Remedy: Schedule botox, stat! 

2. The fear a ghost will sneak up behind me. 

Look, I know this is absolutely insane. However, when you close your eyes you CANNOT SEE ANYTHING. And with my air pods in or the volume up on my phone speaker, it might be hard to hear quiet, low-frequency sounds (from the spirit world). I don't know why I've developed this particular distraction. I don't even know if I believe in ghosts. Of course now that I have written this, I've probably summoned something and will now probably be stalked by a poltergeist to prove me wrong. 

That's how it always is with me. 

Remedy 1: Mediate with back against wall. 

Remedy 2: Call a ghost hunter. 

3. My feet. 

When I first began meditating, my feet were in a sorry state. By sorry, I mean I was scared that people would see them and have me taken away from my family and placed in a long term care facility. Then, I got this amazing product from a local company in North Carolina who buys the product from China and sells it on Amazon. The product is 100-percent naturally and artificially derived and is like these weird paper booties filled with natural enzymes and acids. You wear them for an hour and then for the course of 7-14 days your feet begin to molt, like you are a snake. 

So anyway, for 7-14 days, when I was seated with my legs criss-cross applesauce and my hands near my feet, I was a tiny bit distracted by the molting action. I also began to wonder if snakes are distracted by their own typical molting action and if that makes them like total crap at their snake duties. (Note: I googled and no one is researching this!!) 

The good news: I think the authorities will allow me to keep living independently! And I lost 3 lbs (of calluses). 

Remedy: wear socks.

4. My dog on my feet. 

Dogs are funny--whenever you get on the floor, which is so many ways is their domain, they think you are getting on the floor to have a cuddle. Sometimes you are meditating and other times, you may have fallen or simply have to pick up trash your children tossed on the ground like they were raised in some sort of alternate universe where throwing trash on the ground is not vile behavior. ANYWAY, my dog Henry often finds me when my eyes are closed and lays right on my feet. And he is so cute; I have to stop and give him a scratch on the ears. Sometimes, he simply breathes on me, which is disgusting, but he is still so cute, I give him a cuddle (while gagging). 

Remedy: consider meditating in locked closet. might also solve ghost problem. 

5. Falling asleep. 

There are mediations that are designed to help you sleep, however YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO FALL ASLEEP EVEN THOUGH THE TEACHER MIGHT SAY IT IS OKAY. I know this because they keep talking and talking and talking and talking. So I am distracted by both the idea that I want to be a rebel and pass out immediately and the idea that I want to prove them wrong and stay awake. 

Remedy: Nothing. THERE IS NO SOLUTION! 

I'll check back in March, because in 10 minutes, so many things could distract me. . .