Now, at 2 years old and change, he must have a piece of my flesh and his cheese sandwiches cut into perfect squares. If there is anything less than a 90-degree angle on that sandwich, this happens:
When I ask him not to play with steak knives, this happens:
When I tell him it is not trash day and the trash trucks will not be coming by, this happens:
The kid has serious complaints. I cannot even hear him scream anymore. In fact, as I write this, he is screaming because I won't allow him to put his slice of pizza in the toilet. It is starting to sound like music--the type of music young people without children listen to at a bar. (Sigh. When can I go to bar?)
Since he is still illiterate (I know, I know I need to invest in "My Baby Can Read" ), I compiled his top five list of real troubles (the above are just minor annoyances):
Note: each of these cause an immediate loss of motor skills, back arching and bat-shit crazy kicking and screaming.
Apparently shoes are "HOT" and "NOOOOO" He is so anti-shoe, that he has spent hours attempting to pry the shoes off his Spiderman wall decal and occasionally finds shoes just to throw at me in protest. He also demands that everyone remove their shoes upon entry to the home, at Target and at piano lessons.
Now that's hot. (I wonder who will get ringworm first, him or me?)
2. Doc McStuffins
Apparently my two-year-old has uncovered the shocking truth: Doc McStuffins is not licensed to practice medicine in New Jersey. Before the first line of "It's time for a check-up" is complete, he cannot handle the hypocrisy. If he sees Doc in the toy box, he smacks her with a choo-choo. You can hear his battle cry of "NOT MY DOOOOOCK," two states over.
Didn't you know that Doc McStuffins is a snake oil salesgirl? Look for the shocking reveal and Doc McStuffins take down on a very special episode of Paw Patrol and whatever you do, DO NOT MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH HER.
3. Car Seats that are modern and up to safety ratings
That gorgeous and safe $7 million car seat we bought and the other lovely car seat we were gifted that is rated for crashes and impact--those are OFFENSIVE. None of that new-fangled modern stuff for my toddler.
He prefers the Pink flowered Britax seat that expired in 2006. The new car seats make him suspicious and are "NOT MINE BABY CAR SEAT I TRY. NOT MINE BABY CAR SEAT I TRY. NOT MINE BABY CAR SEAT I TRY."
Did I tell you that they are not his baby car seat I try?
4. Diaper Changes
Even if poop is falling out of his diaper or if he happens to reach in his diaper and scoop some samples out, that is all preferable to wipes and clean diapers. Ever the environmentalist, he does not want any unnecessary diaper changes. Nor does he want to use the potty, because that is where you keep your pizza. Even when the poop and pee is leaving a trail, he is "I am okay! BYE!! NO HIDE SHHHH". It is a JOY to chase a poop-y toddler around midday when sober. It does not get any better at 8 pm, after a glass of wine.
If you need me, I am hiding, SHHHH!
5. Sitting to eat.
Chairs are made for pushing around and using to climb onto the counter to get a steak knife. Chairs are not made for eating. If you ask him to sit once, well, then you will get a handful of kale salad (that is covered in ketchup) thrown at your face.
If you ask him to sit a second time, well, then he just climbs on the table and sits in the salad bowl.
After all, "mama did ask. I try salad."
However, you know what makes it all okay? This:
"Mama, I a quack. quack."
It's okay kid, complain all you want, you are so darn cute, you carry it well.