Thursday, February 5, 2015

Ten Complainers (That I love to complain about!)

It is now February and I am officially sick of all the complainers in 2015.

I am sick of you and you and you and you and mostly, me.

We are all in this together, right?

You, me and the rest of the world are a bunch of whiners. I can't take it anymore. It is time to bring out the big complaining guns.  I decided to make a list, which will offend and make many cry.

Oh well.  (Please don't cry. It will force me to craft a list: "Ten People Who Cry And Make Me Want To Scream." Please laugh. This is all supposed to be funny. I love you.)

I know some of you will read this list and worry, "Is she talking about me?"

The answer is: "Yes, I am talking about you."

But, I am also talking about your best friend, your mother, your father, your dog and myself, so you are in good company.

I've spent the past two weeks angry at the complainers, which, turned into a strange self-loathing. And I hate hating myself--I am the bomb. Anyway, I've decided to end the hate, bring out the honesty and maybe, just maybe make you and you and you and me laugh.

Without further complaining, here is my list of the Ten Complainers that I love to complain about:


1. People Who Complain About Other People's Parenting Skills
On a random Monday (or Friday or Wednesday or Tuesday) you might see my delightful brood rolling around screaming (in public). One of them might not have a coat on. Another might be wearing my $50 NARS lip gloss. And another may not have brushed their hair in a week.

Just walk away. Please do not post Facebook rants about mothers who allow their children to:

a. go out in the cold without a coat
b. wear makeup when they are in kindergarten
c. dress like homeless people

Because, I did not allow my children to revolt and rebel and roll on the ground. They just did it.  I have very little control over the little heathens, try as I may. I do, however, love their insanity and their independence and their homeless-like tendencies to the moon and back.

Please do not post on Facebook rants about:

a. how the world is going to hell because of bad parenting
b. how you would never allow zyx to happen
c. how you would "whip those children into shape if they ever. . ."

Because none of the above is true.

2. People Who Complain About Rule Breakers
Remember those kids in your 5th grade class who would raise their hand to announce to the teacher that you were passing a note to your best friend? Or the frenemy who would tell your mother that you did your homework on the school bus? Or the teacher who seemingly stalked the halls and did spot "bathroom pass" checks?

None of these people served any good. They just ended up being hated.

Sometimes, I pass notes to friends. Other times, I reply to an email while on a conference call. Other times, I enter unauthorized areas because I have to pee.

It is called survival.

3. People Who Complain About McDonalds
Just don't eat there. And if I eat there, well, I am not giving you a french fry.

4. People Who Complain About God
I love God. I love Jesus. I also love freedom of religion. I am free to bang my bible. And you are free not to. Please don't complain. My American friends, we are free to worship a stuffed cat. We are free. Rejoice that you can pray where ever want. Rejoice that you don't have to pray, ever.

5. People Who Complain About New Jersey
I live in New Jersey. I like it. Shut up.

6. People Who Complain About the Weather
I really don't know what to tell you but it is the Winter. February is always the winter. ALWAYS.

7. People Who Complain About Traffic
We live in New Jersey. There is traffic. There are cars (not a new thing, people!). And there are people. Take a pit stop at McDonalds. Eat a fry. It makes the drive worthwhile.

8. People Who Complain About Vaccines
I can't even. You need to vaccinate your kids, yourself and your dog. Don't be an asshole.

9. People Who Complain About the President
President Barack Obama is President. He is in the White House for a few more years. He's been there for a few years as well. Please, just cope with it. Please, accept it. Please stop saying he is praising Allah. (maybe he is, who cares?). Please stop saying he was born in another country (that argument did not work the first one billion times). Please stop sharing things from websites called: The Blaze, The Ring Wing, The Red Truth. (Really, you should only be sharing things from Yoke, right?)

10. People Who Complain About PARCC Testing
PARCC testing sucks. It is stupid. We all know. I am not suggesting that we just sit down and take it. BUT please do not complain, take action if you like. GO talk to a real person. Call your senator. Rent a billboard. Show up at school unannounced and make someone listen to you. (Note: I do this, every Wednesday. We could meet up!) Just stop complaining. IT IS IRRITATING.

Alright, now I am off to post this post, prepare for my house to be egged and call my best friend to complain about my husband.

Note: not on the list, people who complain about their children--I just find that wildly entertaining. I also enjoy complaining about my own children and I expect you to find it wildly entertaining. Also not on the list, people who complain about complaining. Because that would just confuse things, right? 






5 comments:

  1. I love you so much!!!!!!!!!! Now, STOP COMPLAINING

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  2. Thanks for the LAUGHS!! I really needed this!!

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  3. I am happy that I only am being talked about in one or two of your subjects. I complain mostly about being tired. That didn't make the list. LOL

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  4. Love this. I did laugh and my kids were like "what's so funny?" - i just said, "she did it again" - she always makes me laugh. Its been too long - lets please hang out - for real this time.

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