I think there might be a hashtag called #FaithfulFriday. For approximately 467 days, I've promised myself I would write one faith-filled post every Friday, as a way to be social media savvy, part of the Twitter faith conversation and to end my work week with some faith and perspective.
I have never written a #FaithfulFriday post.
Never, ever, never. Well, once, for a paying client. I am often faithful for cash.
I've written in Yoke before about how I am a bad Christian--and boy, oh, boy, sometimes I can be the worst. I've received some not-so-loving emails and messages about classifying myself as a bad Christian. At first, I was really excited. It was a sign someone in the universe was reading my blog.
But, truly, I was hurt and so hurt that a couple times, I cried in secret. (note: I only cry in secret. Or if others are crying and it seems socially acceptable. I do not cry at funerals. I never cry at weddings. I am an ugly crier and I am vain.) Disclosing my secret crying is not a request for empathy or sympathy. It just happened. My faith is critically important to me. When I write about God and Christ and my bad Christian-hood, I do it after I pray for the meditations of my hearts and words that I type with my fingers to be the truth, inspired by God's role in my life.
To tell me that I need to examine my Christianity and my faith because I am a horrible person is to tell me that I am praying and listening to the wrong guy. Then suddenly, I am questioning my very faith---I worry that I am not actually hearing the word of God, but I am hearing my own sinful voice.
The funny thing with believing in God, is that your faith can be shaken even when you are behaving at your most faithful. I often think there is a very fine, nearly invisible line between the good of God and the evil of the Devil. When you are close to one, you are close to the other. You must proceed with caution and with the faith that God will pull you back on the right side of the line.
I am unfaithful in my faith. I am sinful in my heart. I am sinful with my time and talents and energy. I am a bad Christian. I might be a bad person sometimes too. I am not faithful on Fridays or Tuesdays or Mondays.
But, none of this is God's fault. The God I love, shakes his head at me when I act like a jackass. The God I love, weeps when I really mess up. The God I love, loves me more than I can imagine. There is nothing that can permanently separate us from His love. He is always faithful. Even when I am not.
When I searched for Bible verse about being unfaithful, everything was about marital infidelity. Who has time for that? I'd like to meet them. They are probably also wearing matching socks and get their hair cut twice a week, at a salon.