It all started out fabulously and then it was Monday morning and the following happened approximately five seconds later (and continued through out the week):
- Everyone was hysterical and screaming in the morning (even though, I never ever said "hurry up" or "WE HAVE TO GO" and I did not begin throwing things or running around all frenzied. I was totally still and calm and Jesusy.)
- I had a momentary police encounter in the parking lot (no ticket! and totally not my fault.)
- My minivan (aka the devil's vehicle) had an episode in which all the lights and warning indicators lit up and were furiously blinking at me for no apparent reason (I willed the blinking away or perhaps the hard smacking of the dashboard made it stop.)
- I had a panic over heating oil during the Polar Vortex of 2014; and began allocating furniture for burning. (Which ended up being unnecessary because, well, we had enough heating oil OR it was a Hanukah like situation. #MiracleOfLightsInMyHouse)
- The boy developed a fever of epic portions. He is fine; but I am still on fever watch and he is currently sleeping with a thermometer taped to his forehead.
- Lily was late to school and my always prompt husband text messaged me a picture of the late pass he found in her school bag. (Note to self, never allow husband to look in school bag. )
- Chloe laid on the floor in various stores screaming about Sofia the First and Caroline and the War of 1812 and Pirates and would not stop until I gave her an old piece of fudge I found in my diaper bag from July.
- The zipper on my dress for the Lemon Ball on Saturday is frozen or possessed (perhaps in cahoots with minivan) and I had to panic order a dress from Nordstrom, which may or may not be best suited for someone over 65.
And now it is nearly Friday and not one piece of laundry has been washed, my to do list is missing (and incomplete) and the children might be wearing mismatched socks until it is summer. But, we survived, I have not been fired from any of my 45 jobs and everyone is still speaking to each other. Ask me how many times I prayed about the nonsense and chaos above.
Ask me how I feel tonight.
EXHAUSTED YET UNABLE TO STOP EATING TWIZZLERS IN A PANIC (otherwise known as crazy, spent, ready for a long vacation.)
My dear cousin, who is also the mother of a childhood cancer survivor, reminded me that stillness and surrender are both found in the moment your child is diagnosed with cancer. When you are suddenly placed in that battle zone, surrender is all you've got. You have no control--and it is not like you ever had control. You know that you have to put your faith in something outside yourself. You know that there is nothing left--but you, your prayer and God.
And while surrender is easy to find in the battle zone, it is elusive during the day-to-day. When things are not life and death, it hardly seems necessary to be still and surrender and ask God for help. God does not care about a zipper on a dress or a late pass from School 5. The stakes don't seem as high. You've got this. You are the pilot. You are in control.
Only you aren't. You don't have this; you don't have anything. The stakes are always the stakes-this is it; today is today and God asks us for only one thing:
Surrender at his feet.
So whether it is a surrender in a time of the utmost urgency and importance or if it is simply surrendering because we are human and wrapped up in all the wrong things--being still is the only option.
Be Still and know that I am God.
I am writing it on my hand and tattooing it on my heart, after I finish this last Twizzler.